The Kwisatz Haderach?*

You ever have one of those deja-vu circumstances where you're in a situation and you realize you dreamed precisely that moment? The dream could have been the day before, it could have been years before, but you forgot it completely until just then, when it all came flooding back.
   I used to have those all the time. And I do mean all the time, twice a week, almost every day sometimes. I'd hear something or see something or even smell something and I'd realize that I dreamed what was happening, saw it in my mind's eye just like it played out in front of me. And then I got older and the deja vu moments came less and less. For a while there, a couple of years I suppose, I don't recall having one of those moments. I even wondered why they stopped, like maybe I got too old or lost my innocence or got my third eye poked out or something.
   Well, no worries, they've started again. I'm going back to my old schedule, once or twice a week now. I haven't taken the waters of life*, nor undergone the spice agony*, nor even organized an army of deadly desert nomads*, but I'm fairly certain I could if I wanted to.
   The analytical side of me says I'm not remembering a dream, that my mind is putting together familiar input and recalling something similar that actually happened before, but when the deja-vu involves people I only met that day it's really difficult for me to reason my way out of it not being a remembered dream. I just know it's like having an old friend around after he's been away for a while.
   I wish this was something I could control, it would be good to discover the winning lotto numbers the day before, but I'll take what I can get I suppose. See you in my dreams.


* it's a Dune reference, look it up. The good Dune by Frank Herbert, not the embarrassing abominations perpetrated by his hack son Brian

A Nose For News

I got a bit of a situation, and I don't quite know what to do. There's guy I know, I see him like once a month, once every two months, and he smells funny. And not ha-ha funny either, but also not repulsive. He's in this odd middle ground of olfactory confusion, and that's the source of the problem. I don't know how to tell him that he offends, because he doesn't smell offensive so much as strange. Really, really strange.
   Some people smell like the cedar chest or closet they keep their clothes in. Some people might smell like dirty clothes because they pulled their wardrobe from the hamper. Some people might smell like too much smell-good (like the janitor where I work (Ugh...)), and some people might smell like BO. Or whiskey. Or cigarettes. Or halitosis if they've got serious dental problems.
   This guy smells like none of that. He smells like no single identifiable thing, but he is absolutely, definitely funky. Funky like an old batch of collard greens, not funky like P-Funk (everybody get up).
   When you get a snootful of his aroma the top note is mostly old-man smell, that vaguely stale yet vaguely Bryllcreem-y pop that hits you right between eyes.* But after a moment or two, not even a second, the middle note assaults you, a waft of something compost-y yet not organic. Kind of like that sterile potting 'soil' you can buy that isn't really soil at all. And the finish - the bottom note - is a barely-there hint of decay, almost like something that's been dead outside for a few weeks. And, yes, I actually spent time trying to figure out what exactly each of these things smelled like.
   This wasn't a one-time thing, it's pretty much every time I see this guy, so I think he might intend to smell this way. God help him, I think it's on purpose. But it's not good. Waaaay not good.
   I don't think I'm going to say anything, I don't see him often enough that it's a huge deal, and we're not good enough friends that I can tell him anything and have him take it like a man. So I'm gonna let him go on stinking, while he probably thinks he's a major player. I'm assuming this is some sort of cologne, otherwise his whole house has to have the same smell, which would be a public health issue.
   For the life of me, I can't think of any other reason he'd smell like this. Unless his goal is to keep the ladies at bay, and then it's mission accomplished.


* or, if you're familiar with the blue alcohol dip barbers used to put their combs into, it's kind of like that, but not as astringent

What's The iPad Gonna Do?

In my quest never to have to work for the Man again, I have been thinking through social trends. Back when Apple introduced the iPod - back in 2001, if you can believe it - people knew intellectually that it would change the way people bought music. No one could have predicted that it would destroy an entire industry, and give rise to grass-roots music efforts that finally allowed little-known performers to make a living with their art. If I had known in 2001 what the landscape of American music would look like in 2010, I would have done a few things differently.
   I want to be ahead of the curve this time. So I'm trying to figure out what the iPad is going to change. Because you know it's gonna change something, even if you don't want it to. I gave it some thought, read a few things, and I figure the iPad is going to change:

      games - the screen on an iPad is just big enough to get your game on, and the touch interface is perfect for gaming. Who needs a controller or a keyboard?
      books - the iPad is the Kindle-killer. There, I said it. People might say print is dead (which they've been saying for 20 years), but print is going to have a resurgence with the iPad. Being a writer this is especially near and dear to my heart.
      shopping - there are already iPhone apps that read barcodes and tell you places close by that have that thing for less, the iPad is probably going to do the same thing but better. And because the screen is bigger people will use that function more.
       work - another subject near and dear to my heart. The iPad isn't a clunky laptop, and it's not a minuscule smart phone. It's right in between, and perfect for not being in the office. Which is my aspiration.
      theft - the iPad is just the right size for stealing too. So I'm pretty sure when the broadband-enabled iPad comes out there's going to be a surge in thefts, and then subsequent resales to pawn shops and what have you.


COMMUTE: there - 35 minutes back - 60 minutes, it's raining there were accidents
CONTRACT COUNTDOWN: 81 days

Furniture Store Conundrum

There are many things that bother me about this economic downturn - oddly enough me being unemployed isn't one of them - but there's one thing in particular that's got my head spinning. Why is it that when a furniture store goes out of business, somebody puts another furniture store in exactly the same spot?
   Two blocks up from my house there was a furniture store, right on Colorado, which went out of business about two years ago. The place was empty for a few months, then - BAM! - another furniture store. Three blocks down from that one, near the Carvel ice cream place, a sofa store went out of business, and, sure enough, another one goes in its place.
   There were two - TWO - furniture stores near the gym where I work out, one across the street from the other. You can see them in the first Transformers movie, when Shia Laboef is chasing his yellow car. Anyhoo... earlier this year both stores went out of business within one month of each other, complete with the 'Everything must go!' signs and 'Auction today' signs. And then... you guessed it, one month later there's a furniture store in the exact same place.
   Is this part of an MBA education? If one particular type of business fails, then go ahead and put exactly the same business in exactly the same location? Is this the 'lightning never strikes twice' theory of business? Am I the only one bothered by this? And why does Ikea thrive while real furniture stores tank miserably? What do those Swedes know that we don't?

Don't get me started on the Oriental rug places... jeez, how many rugs can one society purchase?