If I Were A Blues Musician...

If I were a blues musician I'd have a great nickname. Because all blues musicians have great nicknames, like Blind Lemon Jefferson, T-Bone Walker, or Lightnin' Hopkins. If you have a cool nickname people treat you better, they move aside when you pass by, they hold doors open for you. Mostly, though, you get that cool nickname on your tombstone so people 100 years from now can pass by your grave and wonder how cool that guy was to get a nickname like 'Jelly Roll.'
   So I decided to cut out the middleman - and, coincidentally, all the tragedy and pathos of being an actual blues musician - and come up with my own blues nickname. I tried to think of things that define me, or at least that others might think define me.

   Scratchin' Don H.
Needs a Shave Hartshorn
   Junk Food Hartshorn
Don 'Cut the Damn Grass' Hartshorn
   Knee Poppin' Don
Old Man Groan Hartshorn
   Don 'Too Much Mayonnaise' Hartshorn
The Bellybutton Lint Kid
   White Guy Rhythm Hartshorn
Bad Haircut Don
   Don 'Pays Bills On Time' Hartshorn
Sullen Resentment Hartshorn
   Inappropriate Mutterin' Don

   One of those just has to fit. I'll go to local jazz clubs and get the emcee to announce me over the microphone, see which one has the right reverb.