E-Ettiquette

Maybe Miss Manners has addressed this already, I don't know and I'm not inclined to find out.  But I've noticed a definite lack of civility around our little computers these days, and it's pissing me off.  Time was using a computer meant going into an office and turning on a beige monstrosity that had Bill Gates stink all over it.  Now our computers fit in our pockets.*  Whence come the distractions and my own little Hell.
   There needs to be a New Consideration, along with an enforcement arm to beat compliance into ne'er-do-wells.
   What am I talking about?  I'll tell you, sit back and get comfy.  Everybody but Great Uncle Joe already knows that ALL CAPS READS AS YELLING in electronic communication.  So most non-octogenarians have abandoned the Caps Lock key, as well they should.  But there doesn't seem to be a consensus as to when to call, when to text, or when to e-mail.  No rules.  And no common sense, it seems.  We're given an embarrassment of riches when we want to communicate but the end result is we're communicating worse than ever.  I've developed Seven Rules to a More Polite Society.  Follow them or I'll mop the floor with you.

1.  If you're not a very close friend or related to me, you don't get to text me.  If you have to ask if you're a close friend the answer is 'No.'  Texts from people I know and love are annoying enough - the electronic equivalent of tugging on my sleeve - I don't need some random schmoe interrupting me with his idiocy too.

2.  Business communication means you use my last name.  That's 'Mr. Hartshorn,' especially if I have never met you.  When you assume familiarity you haven't earned I instantly hate your guts and fantasize about punching you in the back of your head over and over again.

3.  Unless we've agreed on other arrangements, the method you used when you began your communication stays your method.  If you called me, keep calling me.  If you e-mailed me, keep e-mailing me.  Nothing creams my corn more than having someone switch to e-mail when we've been talking.  A simple 'hey, I'll e-mail you' is enough, but don't surprise me by switching e-horses mid-stream.
   Also, if we've talked about going to a movie don't switch to text or e-mail at the last minute to bow out, you chicken shit bastard.

4.  No response does not mean 'no.'  No response means no response. Or you're ignoring me.  Or you can't be bothered to reply.  Or you're a simpering little milquetoast who avoids confrontation.  When I ask you a question - e-mail, phone, or text - you're obligated to reply, just as if we were in the same room.  I reply all the time to people I don't want to deal with, you don't get a free pass because your computer fits in your pocket.

5.  PUT THE FUCKING PHONE DOWN.  Seriously.  Put it down.  I'm right here in the room with you, why are you texting someone else?  That's the exact same thing as interrupting a conversation to hold a conversation with another person, the fact that you're typing doesn't alleviate the jaw-dropping rudeness.
   True story - I've been in a room with three other people, all of whom were texting others, completely ignoring everybody else there with them in person.  Astonishingly inconsiderate.

6.  Put it on vibrate.  All devices do this now, figure out how yours works.  Why?  Because you have crap taste in ring tones, sorry if this is the first time someone's let you know.

7.  No, you cannot use my wall socket to charge your phone.  Unless you're my mother, then it's perfectly fine.  If you're not my mother you should have thought of charging your phone before you came to my house.

There.  Read them, know them, live them.



*  and Bill Gates hasn't been a household name for ten years