Gym Noobs

I try not be judgemental.
   Hey, quit laughing, I said I try, not that I succeed.  So shut the hell up.
   I know a new year is time for change, time to try resolutions, time to try to put aside old bad habits and pick up new good ones.  But jeez... do you all have to do that at my gym?
   Since I moved back to San Antonio I've been going to the closest gym to my house.  It's not the best, but it's big and it's clean and it's cheap.  I recognize a few people who are there the same times I usually am, I'm sure they recognize me, and I go about my business and get my workout in and then skedaddle.  Usually.  In January things change.
   Now is the time of the year for the annual migration of the Gym Noob.*  This is the person who wants to make a change and is motivated enough to actually go to a gym and sign up for a membership.  And 'good on ya' for doing it, as the Aussies might say.  Way to take charge and make it happen.  However...
   You're getting in my way.
   This is not to imply that I rule the gym and everyone needs to consider my needs first.  Though that would be cool.  There are plenty of times when I have a workout plan that I need to reconsider because someone's using the equipment I need or the equipment needs repair, whatever.  When I say you're getting in my way I mean you're really getting in my way, often and repeatedly and needlessly.  You're actively screwing me up, in other words.  But I think it's not because you're trying to be a jerk, it's because you really don't know.  So I've put together a few bits of advice for the gym noob.

1.  There is no shame in asking.
   If you don't know how to use a piece of equipment there are usually directions on it, and if not, just ask.  Either the gym staff or someone near.  People really are nice, they'll help.   And you won't run the risk of injuring yourself.  I've heard bones snap in a gym before, it's really, really gross.
2.  If you won't ask, then at least watch how someone else does it.
   I've seen people watching me as I start up the treadmill or the elliptical machine, and I don't mind.  You learn by watching.  Just quit watching once you learn what you need to do it yourself, I can feel your eyes on my ass, you perv.
3.  Five minutes on a machine doesn't do you any good.
   If all you can do is five minutes you're going too fast or too hard.  Or both.  Slow down, you have to be on it at least 20 minutes to start burning fat.
4.  Don't drop the weights. 
    If it's too heavy for you to lift safely it's too heavy to work out with.  You might think you're cool but you're really just a poser, and you're gonna break the weights.  Watch a real bodybuilder, guys who really do use the 90 pound dumbbells.  They never drop them.
5.  Just because you're by yourself doesn't mean you're alone.  
   It's really annoying when you talk on the phone in the middle of the gym.  And it's not only ladies who do this, plenty of men do too.  Even worse are the yapping conversationalists who talk loudly to their friends instead of focusing on the workout.  If you need constant company and stimulation then you have problems working out isn't going to solve.
6.  For God's sake, wipe down the equipment when you're finished.
   Nobody likes getting a handful of someone else's sweat.  Wiping down the equipment is a habit, like putting the dishes in the dishwasher instead of in the sink.  Once you do it right for a while it's impossible to do it wrong.
7.  When you're done with a piece of equipment, move on.
   Almost no one forms a line in a gym, but that doesn't mean there aren't five people waiting on you to get the hell out of the way so they can do their thing.  A little consideration goes a long way.
8.  Don't hog the water fountain.
   Take a drink and move on, don't practice your French kissing technique on the spout.

--  This last one's for guys in the locker room --

9.  Don't use the blow dryer on your balls.
   Seriously.  It's just gross and is an hilarious tragedy waiting to happen.



*  pronounced 'new-bee' not 'noob.'  It's from L33t, or 'elite' the hacker/phreak/BBS alternate alphabet from decades ago that unwitting dolts have appropriated inexpertly.  Learn your hacker history, jerks.