Step Away From the Machine

I've been hitting the gym a lot in the past six weeks, and where previously I had advice for guys in the locker room, now I'm giving advice to guys out on the gym floor.
   The following people are hereby put on notice: straighten up your act or else. Or else what I don't know, but it should be fun finding out.

Mr. Drop-the-Dumbell
   You know, if it's too heavy to set down gently, it's too heavy for you to be working out with. And nobody's impressed with the loud clang, jerkoff.
Grunty
   This is a guy who thinks he has to share his workout with the entire gym, with loud exhales on every rep. I'm at the gym to do my thing not to share in your experience, so shut the hell up.
Slimer Hagfish
   They have the signs about wiping off the equipment for a reason. This guy leaves a sweaty trail of goo like a human-shaped slug. Ewwww....
Flexo McMeathead
   This guy may look seriously dangerous, but if there's trouble all you have to do is get behind him. He's so pumped up with 'roids that he can't turn his head or raise his arms. Make fun of his acne and shriveled testicles and he'll start crying like a well-oiled, muscular baby.
Two-Rep Pete
   Okay, dingus, if you're going to work out, you need to actually pump the iron, not pick it up and put it back down. The 2 pound weights are in the ladies' section.