An iPhone Failure

You know what I do with my iPhone?
   I make phone calls.
   Yup, kickin' it old school. I actually like to talk to people instead of typing at them. I do send and receive the occasional text message, I'm not a complete Luddite, but I really do prefer to talk with a real human being.
   I have a game or two to while away the odd free moment or two, but I haven't paid for a single app and I probably never will. And, no, one of those games is not 'Angry Birds.'
   I don't like being tagged in pictures and I don't tag anyone else, I don't take pictures with my phone because I don't want anyone to know where I've been. I don't use the compass or the GPS or anything on my iPhone that has the remotest possibility of talking back to me.
   I just want a freakin' phone.
   And before you start in with the 'so why did you buy an iPhone, you big hypocrite?' I can tell you it's an old one, which I got for $49 from ATT when I moved. Fifty bucks for a new phone and I'll take what they give me.
   If you need to reach me, give me a call, I may not answer any text messages.