Fart Musings

And now for something completely different.  A subject near and dear to my heart... farts.
   As I've tried to explain to my female relatives, girlfriends, female co-workers, and so on, farts are funny.  They have always been funny, they're funny right now, and they're always going to be funny.  Timeless humor.  It's genetic.  The best way to break the ice among a group of guys is to the cut the cheese.  Not so much when women are in the room.  And it starts early, when we're just kids.  My nieces didn't find farts particularly funny, but my nephew came out of the womb grinning at every flatulent sound.  He now announces them, as you should - 'I tooted.'  It's a guy thing, you chicks just don't understand.
   But I think I do.  The way I see it, farts are funny to men - ALL men, straight, gay, or what have you - because men's farts are funny.  It's all in the presentation, and when the finish drives your friends from the room... you win.  You ladies didn't know it was a contest, but with guys everything's a contest.  Did you know you can light your farts?  If you're a woman you probably said 'no,' but if you're a guy you've either seen it done or done it yourself.  Many times.  Probably first in Boy Scouts and next at a frat party.  I don't know how many bridal showers end in fart-lighting but I'm guessing not many.  It's even money that a bachelor party involves an open flame and your best friend's jeans-covered butthole.  You have to wear jeans, it's a safety thing.
   Women don't think farts are funny because women's farts aren't funny.   They're tragic.  If men's farts are the SS Minnow of passing gas, women's farts are the Titanic.  The aftermath of a man's fart is a pleasant sitcom laugh, the aftermath of a woman's fart is paint-peeling destruction of Biblical proportions.  Men's farts are designed to be shared far and wide, women's farts should be concealed, locked away forever like the Ark of the Covenant at the end of Raiders.
   But, for every rule there is the exception.  It's true that women's farts aren't funny... unless you're a very old woman.  Something about farting grannies just makes me smile like nothing else.  I think it's the juxtaposition of grandmotherly care and propriety with skirt-lifting breaking of wind.  Makes me laugh every time.
   Well, I've been talking about it long enough, time for me to get some practice in.  I wonder if I have any matches in the house...