Things aren't going so great here in the US of A, I don't think that's a secret. Unemployment, venomous partisan politics, bankers blatantly stealing, food manufacturers blatantly poisoning... there's a lot that needs fixin'.
But we 'Mericans still got it pretty damned good. There are things people in other countries have to worry about as a matter of daily routine that we never even think about.
For instance: I share an office with two other contractors. Both are from India, and one of them just traveled back there for the first time in five years. It's a schlep, I know, but he's been playing it safe with his work visa. Now, however, he has to get it renewed. The other contractor has been back within the last five years, and as the first one made his preparations I overheard them talking about how much an acceptable bribe at customs should be.
Let me say that again: they were discussing the current going rate for a bribe to the Indian customs agent to let a traveler through.
Now, I understood intellectually that this sort of thing happened all the time in other countries - I do live two hours or so from Mexico, also a bribery hot spot. But to have this so matter-of-factly discussed really brought home to me how much different the rule of law is for other countries. A bribe in India - or Mexico - is the way things are done, it's a necessary but odious part of life there. No one likes it, but no one does anything to change it. Maybe it's because it's really difficult to change a system from the inside, or maybe it's because no one really gives enough of a damn to want to make the change, or maybe it's because the people who would make the change take the biggest bribes. I don't know. But I do know that I never had to carry enough cash on me to bribe a customs agent to get back into the USA. I also know that if I had tried to bribe a US customs agent they would have arrested me and put me in big boy prison. They take that stuff seriously here.
I could go on, there are a lot of things right with the US that other countries get wrong, like, say... building codes, and religious tolerance,* and freedom of expression, and (mostly) free and fair elections. The really big stuff we tend to get right, and I think those things we take for granted. Our society stands by the Bill of Rights.
Sure, our society could be better - it needs to be better - but think from time to time we should remember that things are not nearly as bad here as they are elsewhere.
* I know it may not seem so tolerant, especially when you're faced with some crackpot fundamentalist who hates anyone not exactly like him, but trust me, other countries are waaaaaay behind on this one
Thursday, May 31, 2012
Sunday, May 27, 2012
'At's Me Mojo...
For a very long time as I was growing up and then as a young adult, I had the kind of trusting face that allowed perfect strangers to assume I would buy stolen things. I've been offered stereo equipment, a clarinet, tools, cars, steaks (the meat kind), dogs, mail, credit cards, even a Ditch Witch. Seriously, a dude once offered to sell me a Ditch Witch for $100. I told him if he could get it up to my third floor dorm room I'd give him the hundred bucks. But then, for the past few years, I haven't really been offered any stolen stuff. I guess I look more like a cop now than a customer.
But that's changing. I think I got me mojo back...
Today at the gym, as I was walking in, a woman approached me. Now whenever a stranger comes up to you in a parking lot it's never a good thing. Usually they want to stab you, or to give you their pamphlet explaining how the world's going to end in a few days. Not this lady.
"Excuse me, sir, but I lost my keys, and since you have a Tahoe I was wondering if you could see if your key would work?"
Time was car manufacturers did only make a few versions of a key - like the 1960's Mustangs. But I drive a 99 Tahoe, I was standing right next to it. There's more than ten versions of that key.
"So you want me to try to get into a car that's not mine? That's burglary, right?"
This seemed to give the woman pause. She thought about it for a moment.
"Never mind."
Now, it could be that she was sincere, that she'd lost her keys or locked them in the truck or whatever. But why would you approach a complete stranger in a parking lot and ask them to use their key to unlock your truck? Has that ever worked? I smelled a scam. It sounded like someone wanted to indulge in a little early-Sunday larceny and I looked like just the sort of guy to help make that happen. I looked like the kind of guy who would help someone steal stuff.
Ahh... it's good to be back...
But that's changing. I think I got me mojo back...
Today at the gym, as I was walking in, a woman approached me. Now whenever a stranger comes up to you in a parking lot it's never a good thing. Usually they want to stab you, or to give you their pamphlet explaining how the world's going to end in a few days. Not this lady.
"Excuse me, sir, but I lost my keys, and since you have a Tahoe I was wondering if you could see if your key would work?"
Time was car manufacturers did only make a few versions of a key - like the 1960's Mustangs. But I drive a 99 Tahoe, I was standing right next to it. There's more than ten versions of that key.
"So you want me to try to get into a car that's not mine? That's burglary, right?"
This seemed to give the woman pause. She thought about it for a moment.
"Never mind."
Now, it could be that she was sincere, that she'd lost her keys or locked them in the truck or whatever. But why would you approach a complete stranger in a parking lot and ask them to use their key to unlock your truck? Has that ever worked? I smelled a scam. It sounded like someone wanted to indulge in a little early-Sunday larceny and I looked like just the sort of guy to help make that happen. I looked like the kind of guy who would help someone steal stuff.
Ahh... it's good to be back...
Friday, May 25, 2012
Racist Or Just Insensitive?
I have cable TV again, after two-plus years without it. I must say the vast wasteland has gotten vaster. More vast? Well, TV's become much worse than it was two years ago, and it wasn't very good then. It seems everything is some terrible reality show in the vein of 'American Chopper.' You know, where the cameras capture some dysfunctional event in the lives of awful people, and then they go back weeks later and feed the poor saps lines to say to knit it together into a story. The people aren't actors so their lines sound like what they are, people repeating back to the producers what they were told to say. Nothing real about it.
So I try to avoid it.
While I have been watching 'Las Vegas Jail' - which is exactly what it sounds like - for the most part I've been watching the Science Channel or the History Channel. Because Stephen Hawking isn't famous enough, he needs yet another TV show about the universe. At least it gets me away from the terrible awful 'reality' shows that are all alike.
But I've noticed something disturbing, and I can't decide if it's racist or just insensitive. Right now I'm watching a program about the Mongol invasion fleet that almost put 100,000 warriors on Japanese soil. Their own version of D-Day but 700 years earlier. They're interviewing Chinese scientists and Japanese scientists, experts in their fields. The historians and archaeologists are speaking in their native languages, and the show provides sub-titles.
But they also provide English-language narrative, with an accent.
That is, when the Japanese scientist is speaking he gets translated into English by someone with a thick Japanese accent. When the Chinese scientist speaks she gets translated by someone with a Chinese accent. What the hell? It's not the UN, it's not live TV, this is a taped show. They could just as easily have given the English voiceover to a native speaker, someone with no accent at all.
Why do they feel the need to make translated words sound like the person speaking is a first-generation immigrant? Is that important? Will people not believe the Japanese scientist really is Japanese unless they hear a thick accent? Do the producers think that kind of thing matters to American audiences? Because it doesn't, and as a matter of fact it's distracting and more than a little insulting.
Do other countries do this? When they're interviewing an American on French TV, do they translate him into French with an awful American accent? Does Chinese TV use atonal American inflections when translating a white guy?
Why are they doing this? Why? Why, why why, why, why?
Just when I thought I could stop hating people...
So I try to avoid it.
While I have been watching 'Las Vegas Jail' - which is exactly what it sounds like - for the most part I've been watching the Science Channel or the History Channel. Because Stephen Hawking isn't famous enough, he needs yet another TV show about the universe. At least it gets me away from the terrible awful 'reality' shows that are all alike.
But I've noticed something disturbing, and I can't decide if it's racist or just insensitive. Right now I'm watching a program about the Mongol invasion fleet that almost put 100,000 warriors on Japanese soil. Their own version of D-Day but 700 years earlier. They're interviewing Chinese scientists and Japanese scientists, experts in their fields. The historians and archaeologists are speaking in their native languages, and the show provides sub-titles.
But they also provide English-language narrative, with an accent.
That is, when the Japanese scientist is speaking he gets translated into English by someone with a thick Japanese accent. When the Chinese scientist speaks she gets translated by someone with a Chinese accent. What the hell? It's not the UN, it's not live TV, this is a taped show. They could just as easily have given the English voiceover to a native speaker, someone with no accent at all.
Why do they feel the need to make translated words sound like the person speaking is a first-generation immigrant? Is that important? Will people not believe the Japanese scientist really is Japanese unless they hear a thick accent? Do the producers think that kind of thing matters to American audiences? Because it doesn't, and as a matter of fact it's distracting and more than a little insulting.
Do other countries do this? When they're interviewing an American on French TV, do they translate him into French with an awful American accent? Does Chinese TV use atonal American inflections when translating a white guy?
Why are they doing this? Why? Why, why why, why, why?
Just when I thought I could stop hating people...
Wednesday, May 23, 2012
Fatty Fatty Fat Fat
Recently I was leafing through some old photos* from my high school days. Aside from laughing at the girls’ hairstyles and wondering how I escaped without earning the nickname ‘pizza face’ I noticed something. The fat kid in our class. No names, and it wasn’t me, but I recall the fat kid being… well… fat. Like roly-poly fat, Tweedle-Dum or Tweedle-Dee fat. Wheezing fat, couldn’t finish a mile run in less than twelve minutes fat. Thigh-chafing fat. He was a big kid, is what I’m saying.
But now, as I scan the black-and-whites from the lunch room, he doesn’t look all that fat.
Especially not compared to some of the Shamus I see waddling around today, plodding heart attacks just waiting to happen. Somehow, some way, the fat kid from my high school days has become svelte. He’s not, even in hindsight, anywhere close to lean, but it’s just that in comparison to kids nowadays he’s a veritable model of health. The kid who couldn’t beat up the smallest girl in my class now could rule the playground like a pudgy Genghis Khan. I read online that nowadays about 25% of American kids can expect to become diabetic before they’re 30, mostly because they’re morbidly obese. Before they hit puberty. Insane. In-fucking- sane.
Where did it all go wrong? How did the secret shame of ‘husky’ Toughskins become the new normal?
I had a friend back when I lived in Pasadena, an older guy, well past retirement age, who was one of those white-haired, cranky, don’t-give-a-crap old codgers I hope to become one day. He was a retired dentist, an old-school guy who wore the uniform sterotype - the short-sleeved white coat, the silver mirror on his head, the whole kit, he showed me a picture. He’d seen the rise in hygiene and dental care from his early days, and then seen an increase in cavities towards the end of his career, especially in young kids, where he’d never seen so many dental problems before. I asked him why he thought that happened.
“It’s because we let them fuck with the food.”
Well said, and I think he’s right. The 'them' he's talking about are Big Food, the increasingly- small number of companies responsible for providing us stuff to jab down our gullets. In the name of profit and growing shareholder value these companies are feeding us poison. Literally. And we're just rolling over and letting them do it.
Americans buy food that’s not food. The grocery stores are full of it. Bread that doesn’t go stale, 'shelf-stable' meals that stink of chemicals, food that’s more preservative than nutrition, American food companies sell us garbage that you wouldn’t use to poison vermin because it’s cruel to kill even pests that way. High fructose corn syrup, aspartame, chemicals ‘to ensure freshness’ that are also the main ingredient in fertilizers and fireworks.** It’s gross, and it’s supremely unhealthy, and it's what's going to make the generation of kids right now the first in American history to have shorter lifespans than their parents. Some of them may not even outlive their parents.
There’s a lot of social movement on holding Wall Street and banks to account for their bad behavior. I don’t want to be an apologist for Goldman Sachs, but all they’re doing is stealing, usually from other thieves who've stolen from us. They’re not murdering our children with toxic chemicals disguised as food. There are people and web sites and blogs devoted to calling out American food manufacturers about their poison, but there’s been no grass-roots swell, not like there was with the Occupy movement. This is a huge, huge problem, one that places profits above the health of our nation.
We need to start fighting to stay alive.
* kids, you used to have to take real film to a developer and have your pictures printed on actual paper, which gave you something to touch and handle, instead of click through on your phone
** seriously, sodium nitrate, look it up
But now, as I scan the black-and-whites from the lunch room, he doesn’t look all that fat.
Especially not compared to some of the Shamus I see waddling around today, plodding heart attacks just waiting to happen. Somehow, some way, the fat kid from my high school days has become svelte. He’s not, even in hindsight, anywhere close to lean, but it’s just that in comparison to kids nowadays he’s a veritable model of health. The kid who couldn’t beat up the smallest girl in my class now could rule the playground like a pudgy Genghis Khan. I read online that nowadays about 25% of American kids can expect to become diabetic before they’re 30, mostly because they’re morbidly obese. Before they hit puberty. Insane. In-fucking- sane.
Where did it all go wrong? How did the secret shame of ‘husky’ Toughskins become the new normal?
I had a friend back when I lived in Pasadena, an older guy, well past retirement age, who was one of those white-haired, cranky, don’t-give-a-crap old codgers I hope to become one day. He was a retired dentist, an old-school guy who wore the uniform sterotype - the short-sleeved white coat, the silver mirror on his head, the whole kit, he showed me a picture. He’d seen the rise in hygiene and dental care from his early days, and then seen an increase in cavities towards the end of his career, especially in young kids, where he’d never seen so many dental problems before. I asked him why he thought that happened.
“It’s because we let them fuck with the food.”
Well said, and I think he’s right. The 'them' he's talking about are Big Food, the increasingly- small number of companies responsible for providing us stuff to jab down our gullets. In the name of profit and growing shareholder value these companies are feeding us poison. Literally. And we're just rolling over and letting them do it.
Americans buy food that’s not food. The grocery stores are full of it. Bread that doesn’t go stale, 'shelf-stable' meals that stink of chemicals, food that’s more preservative than nutrition, American food companies sell us garbage that you wouldn’t use to poison vermin because it’s cruel to kill even pests that way. High fructose corn syrup, aspartame, chemicals ‘to ensure freshness’ that are also the main ingredient in fertilizers and fireworks.** It’s gross, and it’s supremely unhealthy, and it's what's going to make the generation of kids right now the first in American history to have shorter lifespans than their parents. Some of them may not even outlive their parents.
There’s a lot of social movement on holding Wall Street and banks to account for their bad behavior. I don’t want to be an apologist for Goldman Sachs, but all they’re doing is stealing, usually from other thieves who've stolen from us. They’re not murdering our children with toxic chemicals disguised as food. There are people and web sites and blogs devoted to calling out American food manufacturers about their poison, but there’s been no grass-roots swell, not like there was with the Occupy movement. This is a huge, huge problem, one that places profits above the health of our nation.
We need to start fighting to stay alive.
* kids, you used to have to take real film to a developer and have your pictures printed on actual paper, which gave you something to touch and handle, instead of click through on your phone
** seriously, sodium nitrate, look it up
Tuesday, May 22, 2012
Not Psychic
Turns out I was right.
I wish I could say I'm psychic or I have amazing insight into market dynamics or something, but, seriously, the village idiot could have told you Facebook's IPO was going to succeed like a one-legged man in an ass-kicking contest. I just wish I had something gullible, greedy people wanted as badly.
I wish I could say I'm psychic or I have amazing insight into market dynamics or something, but, seriously, the village idiot could have told you Facebook's IPO was going to succeed like a one-legged man in an ass-kicking contest. I just wish I had something gullible, greedy people wanted as badly.
Wednesday, May 16, 2012
Not Worth The Price
This week Facebook is going public. In the grand tradition of the late-90’s tech bubble, a company that barely has a business plan and doesn’t really have a revenue model that works is going to become a publically-traded company with a valuation of something like 1000 times its earnings.
What a colossal crock of crap.
Let me explain myself. I’ll avoid the finance talk, which is not really my area of expertise anyway, and get into what I see as the reasons Facebook has been successful (-ish) and why it can’t possibly succeed as a public company.
Why are people on Facebook in the first place? The company is seen as a model of ‘new tech,’ like so many of their progenitors from twelve years ago. People are flocking to Facebook, more or less. A seventh of the world uses Facebook. Allegedly. But not so fast. Assuming that Facebook is actually successful is one mistake (more on that later), but I haven’t seen anyone try to find out why. Why are people using Facebook? I think I have some insight.
Think about the timing. When did Facebook start to gain national momentum? Around 2007. When did it really expand? 2009. And what happened from 2007 to 2009? Lots and lots and lots of people became unemployed, sitting around the house all day with nothing better to do. Facebook expanded its user base precisely when there was a huge population of jobless people to use it. It was novel, which is a plus, and it was a time-waster, another plus for people with no idea how to spend ten hours a day more than they were used to having. It was a grand confluence of circumstance and availability. If Facebook hadn’t been around for unemployed people to dither with, they would have found something else, possibly rabble-rousing. The economic downturn was the best thing to happen to Facebook, the company wouldn’t be where it is now without legions of bored people with nothing better to do. But it can’t last forever, neither the downturn nor Facebook’s ubiquity.
Facebook use is already slowing, even among die-hard users, and when the economy begins to improve and people go back to work* you’re going to see Facebook user statistics drop dramatically. And with it their advertising revenue.
And what about all those users? Are there really 900 million users? Of course not. There may be 900 million distinct logins, but I’m sure many people have more than one login. Yes, it’s a violation of their terms of use, but how does Facebook know? If I were a college student – Facebook’s original audience – and my parents were my friends under one account, I would absolutely have a second account, one they didn’t know about, where my frat brothers could post pictures of me puking my guts out at the kegger. Just makes sense, and I’m sure it’s happening all the time. Plus, there are any number of business or web site accounts too, and multiples there don’t violate the terms of use. So that 900 million user number is certainly inflated. Probably egregiously so, since it's only to their benefit to claim to have far more users than they actually do. And who's going to check it out independently to keep them honest?
What about Facebook as a revenue-generating company? Are they really successful? The numbers seem to say they’re at least modestly successful, but I challenge you to find anyone who’s paid for a Facebook ad who would pay for it again.** There’s a term in Hollywood for outside investors who have stars in their eyes and really want to be part of the mystique of making movies. ‘Stupid money.’ These are people who will cut a check to get any piece of crap film made, just so they can see their names on the silver screen before they die. But once burned, they usually do not come back for a second try at ‘executive producing.’ There’s a lot of stupid money in Facebook ads. People who are not professionals, promoting projects or businesses that have no chance of succeeding in the marketplace. Facebook takes their cash, provides some bogus and unverifiable statistics, and then they’re done. A few of the stupider of the people with stupid money might go back for another round, but not many. Facebook marketing is a mother that eats her young, there’s no future in it. Word is getting around, Facebook ads don’t do a thing for your business except suck more of your precious cash away. General Motors can tell you that.
The principle that venture capitalists and entrepreneurs ignored back in the late 90’s was that a company has to make something people will pay for, or provide a service people will pay for. If there’s no money coming in you’re not a company, you’re a charity. Or you’re a failed company. Facebook provides no tangible product, and the service it does provide is nothing you can’t do by yourself with a few phone calls. It’s a pleasant diversion and a way to keep in touch. That’s it. It’s not an advertising engine, it’s not a portal to anything else, it’s a 21st Century version of the old BBS message boards. And it’s not even particularly well done.
There will be a few people who will make a LOT of money on this IPO. You and I won’t be one of them. If you have stupid money and you really, really, really feel like tossing it down a rat hole, then buy some Facebook stock, it’s a lead pipe cinch to devalue precipitously, because Facebook doesn't make anything of value or do anything valuable or provide a service you can't find elsewhere. You have been warned.
* or, perhaps, IF the economy begins to improve
** NPR story just today
What a colossal crock of crap.
Let me explain myself. I’ll avoid the finance talk, which is not really my area of expertise anyway, and get into what I see as the reasons Facebook has been successful (-ish) and why it can’t possibly succeed as a public company.
Why are people on Facebook in the first place? The company is seen as a model of ‘new tech,’ like so many of their progenitors from twelve years ago. People are flocking to Facebook, more or less. A seventh of the world uses Facebook. Allegedly. But not so fast. Assuming that Facebook is actually successful is one mistake (more on that later), but I haven’t seen anyone try to find out why. Why are people using Facebook? I think I have some insight.
Think about the timing. When did Facebook start to gain national momentum? Around 2007. When did it really expand? 2009. And what happened from 2007 to 2009? Lots and lots and lots of people became unemployed, sitting around the house all day with nothing better to do. Facebook expanded its user base precisely when there was a huge population of jobless people to use it. It was novel, which is a plus, and it was a time-waster, another plus for people with no idea how to spend ten hours a day more than they were used to having. It was a grand confluence of circumstance and availability. If Facebook hadn’t been around for unemployed people to dither with, they would have found something else, possibly rabble-rousing. The economic downturn was the best thing to happen to Facebook, the company wouldn’t be where it is now without legions of bored people with nothing better to do. But it can’t last forever, neither the downturn nor Facebook’s ubiquity.
Facebook use is already slowing, even among die-hard users, and when the economy begins to improve and people go back to work* you’re going to see Facebook user statistics drop dramatically. And with it their advertising revenue.
And what about all those users? Are there really 900 million users? Of course not. There may be 900 million distinct logins, but I’m sure many people have more than one login. Yes, it’s a violation of their terms of use, but how does Facebook know? If I were a college student – Facebook’s original audience – and my parents were my friends under one account, I would absolutely have a second account, one they didn’t know about, where my frat brothers could post pictures of me puking my guts out at the kegger. Just makes sense, and I’m sure it’s happening all the time. Plus, there are any number of business or web site accounts too, and multiples there don’t violate the terms of use. So that 900 million user number is certainly inflated. Probably egregiously so, since it's only to their benefit to claim to have far more users than they actually do. And who's going to check it out independently to keep them honest?
What about Facebook as a revenue-generating company? Are they really successful? The numbers seem to say they’re at least modestly successful, but I challenge you to find anyone who’s paid for a Facebook ad who would pay for it again.** There’s a term in Hollywood for outside investors who have stars in their eyes and really want to be part of the mystique of making movies. ‘Stupid money.’ These are people who will cut a check to get any piece of crap film made, just so they can see their names on the silver screen before they die. But once burned, they usually do not come back for a second try at ‘executive producing.’ There’s a lot of stupid money in Facebook ads. People who are not professionals, promoting projects or businesses that have no chance of succeeding in the marketplace. Facebook takes their cash, provides some bogus and unverifiable statistics, and then they’re done. A few of the stupider of the people with stupid money might go back for another round, but not many. Facebook marketing is a mother that eats her young, there’s no future in it. Word is getting around, Facebook ads don’t do a thing for your business except suck more of your precious cash away. General Motors can tell you that.
The principle that venture capitalists and entrepreneurs ignored back in the late 90’s was that a company has to make something people will pay for, or provide a service people will pay for. If there’s no money coming in you’re not a company, you’re a charity. Or you’re a failed company. Facebook provides no tangible product, and the service it does provide is nothing you can’t do by yourself with a few phone calls. It’s a pleasant diversion and a way to keep in touch. That’s it. It’s not an advertising engine, it’s not a portal to anything else, it’s a 21st Century version of the old BBS message boards. And it’s not even particularly well done.
There will be a few people who will make a LOT of money on this IPO. You and I won’t be one of them. If you have stupid money and you really, really, really feel like tossing it down a rat hole, then buy some Facebook stock, it’s a lead pipe cinch to devalue precipitously, because Facebook doesn't make anything of value or do anything valuable or provide a service you can't find elsewhere. You have been warned.
* or, perhaps, IF the economy begins to improve
** NPR story just today
Saturday, May 12, 2012
As Real As It Gets
I was in the convenience store this afternoon, buying fruit juice and lotto tickets* and I witnessed something completely humbling.
A woman and her daughter were in front of me, the woman buying her daughter a fountain drink. She handed over a SNAP card to pay - this is what food stamps have been for years now, a debit card - and told the clerk she hoped it went through. The clerk told the woman to enter her PIN, and then she nodded, the card did indeed have money on it.
"Thank God," the woman said, "now I can buy food."
She was not being sarcastic, nor ironic. She was completely sincere, I could see the tension leave her body when she learned the State had charged up her SNAP card again, with its approximately $1.60 per meal per person. This woman had been wondering how she was going to feed her family tonight, and was completely relieved when she learned she could indeed put food on her table.
I wish every one of those dismissive, sarcastic bastards who talk about 'Food Stamp Nation' and welfare mothers could have been in line with me. I wish I had a camera. I wish I had a microphone. This was the real deal, someone living not just paycheck to paycheck but hand to mouth, day by agonizing day.
Imagine if you were that woman, sweating the addition of - literally - five dollars per person per day to your card so you could eat. Most people spend way more than $5 at Starbuck's and they don't even count that as a meal, it's a reward. And when the card went through, the daughter pulled the soda close, she'd been keeping it at arm's length in the event that they wouldn't be able to afford the... 99 cents.
So why did the woman buy her daughter a soda in a convenience store? Well, in the first place that's allowed under the rules. Yes, the destitute can buy soda with their food stamps. But, more to the point, this woman was buying a soda at a convenience store in order to see if there was enough money that she could go to a proper grocery store.** As embarrassing as it must be to pay with food stamps, it's got to be 100 times more embarrassing to carry your meager allowance to the cashier only to be told you don't have any money on your card to pay for what little you could get. Poor people might be poor, but they're still people, they still have pride.
This episode, which took place not three feet in front of me, made me realize - again - that I'm pretty damned lucky. I have enough. Sure, I want more, but I have enough. God knows I don't miss a meal that often, and when I do it's a choice, not an economic consequence. They say not to judge someone until you've walked a mile in her shoes, but, honestly, this is as close as I want to get.
* you can't win if you don't play
** kind of like when you use a freshly-stolen credit card at a gas station to see if it's still good before you go buy a big-screen TV. At least, that's how I hear this sort of thing is done.
A woman and her daughter were in front of me, the woman buying her daughter a fountain drink. She handed over a SNAP card to pay - this is what food stamps have been for years now, a debit card - and told the clerk she hoped it went through. The clerk told the woman to enter her PIN, and then she nodded, the card did indeed have money on it.
"Thank God," the woman said, "now I can buy food."
She was not being sarcastic, nor ironic. She was completely sincere, I could see the tension leave her body when she learned the State had charged up her SNAP card again, with its approximately $1.60 per meal per person. This woman had been wondering how she was going to feed her family tonight, and was completely relieved when she learned she could indeed put food on her table.
I wish every one of those dismissive, sarcastic bastards who talk about 'Food Stamp Nation' and welfare mothers could have been in line with me. I wish I had a camera. I wish I had a microphone. This was the real deal, someone living not just paycheck to paycheck but hand to mouth, day by agonizing day.
Imagine if you were that woman, sweating the addition of - literally - five dollars per person per day to your card so you could eat. Most people spend way more than $5 at Starbuck's and they don't even count that as a meal, it's a reward. And when the card went through, the daughter pulled the soda close, she'd been keeping it at arm's length in the event that they wouldn't be able to afford the... 99 cents.
So why did the woman buy her daughter a soda in a convenience store? Well, in the first place that's allowed under the rules. Yes, the destitute can buy soda with their food stamps. But, more to the point, this woman was buying a soda at a convenience store in order to see if there was enough money that she could go to a proper grocery store.** As embarrassing as it must be to pay with food stamps, it's got to be 100 times more embarrassing to carry your meager allowance to the cashier only to be told you don't have any money on your card to pay for what little you could get. Poor people might be poor, but they're still people, they still have pride.
This episode, which took place not three feet in front of me, made me realize - again - that I'm pretty damned lucky. I have enough. Sure, I want more, but I have enough. God knows I don't miss a meal that often, and when I do it's a choice, not an economic consequence. They say not to judge someone until you've walked a mile in her shoes, but, honestly, this is as close as I want to get.
* you can't win if you don't play
** kind of like when you use a freshly-stolen credit card at a gas station to see if it's still good before you go buy a big-screen TV. At least, that's how I hear this sort of thing is done.
Friday, May 11, 2012
Our Hero Uses Diplomacy
Captain Grant Manley fidgeted uncomfortably. He much preferred the stark utilitarian halls of the USS Victory to this plush, sybaritic Plutonian palace, and he'd rather feel the tug of his skintight pressure suit than the chafe of these loose class-A dress clothes. He still had his Q-Ray blaster, though, and no funny-talking Plutonian Baron was going to get him to hand it over.
"Remind me why we're here, would you?" Manley whispered to his trusty cabin boy, Teddy Courage, as he eyed the gray-hued, three-armed Plutonian diplomat mere steps away.
"The Earth Council sent us to ensure the delivery of heavy hydrogen," Teddy replied as he tugged on the Captain's tunic and brushed his lapels. "So be nice."
"But they're funny-looking," Manley grumbled. "And it stinks here. No place with funny-looking aliens and stinky scenery is worth the Earth Council's attention."
"All our space cruisers run on heavy hydrogen." Estelle Sparks entered, her lithe buxom form concealed by layers of sheer fabrics that draped and hung in alluring folds. Only the two Q-Ray blasters on her hips let an onlooker know she meant business. Earth business.
"What in the name of Einstein are you wearing?" Manley erupted, earning him a stern scowl from one of the Plutonian diplomats.
"It's the traditional Plutonian dress for their females," Estelle purred. "It's diplomatic that I wear it."
"I think it's disgraceful," Manley spat, "women should wear their standard-issue pressure suits, with the top unzipped a few inches for comfort. Not this... this..."
"Abomination," Teddy Courage offered. "It leaves everything to the imagination."
"Shhh..." Estelle admonished as the Plutonians took notice, "... we need them and their heavy hydrogen."
"Aren't they a repressive theocracy?" Teddy whispered, kneading his captain's iron-hard shoulders. "And isn't the Earth Council opposed to repressive theocracies? And don't we mine our own heavy hydrogen?"
"Yes, yes, and yes," Estelle replied, "but Pluto has the solar system's largest reserves of heavy hydrogen, more than we ever could find on our own. And if we want them to continue selling it to us, we have to make nice."
Grant Manley put a hand to his chin and rubbed slowly, his thinking pose, while the other rested on his Q-Ray blaster.
"They're wrapping up their mumbo-jumbo," Teddy said, stroking his Captain's face as he pointed across the grand palace ballroom where the Plutonians had just finished sacrificing a gray, three-limbed animal to their ice god. "Let me check your inseam to make sure nothing's riding up."
"I have a better idea," Manley said, batting Teddy's hand away, "why don't we refuse to buy heavy hydrogen from the Plutonians until they stop their nonsense? You know, quit it with the crazy religion and let their women read and vote?"
Teddy Courage and Estelle exchanged a panicked look.
"We don't want to rock the boat," Estelle said.
"And besides, someone else will just buy their heavy hydrogen," Teddy answered, "and we'll have none for ourselves."
"We could find another source of space cruiser fuel," Manley suggested, still in his thinking pose. "I mean, the Earth Council has a bunch of smarty-pants eggheads, right? They can figure it out. Heavy hydrogen can't be the only way to make the USS Victory go."
"Well, that could work," Estelle replied, "except that the Earth Council is full of representatives who are in the pockets of the heavy hydrogen lobby. And the aristocracy of the Earth Council has a long history with the Barons of Pluto. They're friends. Good friends."
"Ah, I understand," Manley said, stroking his chin, "graft, bribery, and corruption, eh?"
"You always see things so crystal clear," Teddy gushed, hugging tight to his Captain's rippling chest.
"Nothing else to do, then," Manley barked as he drew his Q-Ray blaster. It felt good in his hand. Right. Earth Council right. "We'll kill 'em all and let God sort it out. The proper God, the Earth God. Whoever wins gets all the heavy hydrogen."
"Remind me why we're here, would you?" Manley whispered to his trusty cabin boy, Teddy Courage, as he eyed the gray-hued, three-armed Plutonian diplomat mere steps away.
"The Earth Council sent us to ensure the delivery of heavy hydrogen," Teddy replied as he tugged on the Captain's tunic and brushed his lapels. "So be nice."
"But they're funny-looking," Manley grumbled. "And it stinks here. No place with funny-looking aliens and stinky scenery is worth the Earth Council's attention."
"All our space cruisers run on heavy hydrogen." Estelle Sparks entered, her lithe buxom form concealed by layers of sheer fabrics that draped and hung in alluring folds. Only the two Q-Ray blasters on her hips let an onlooker know she meant business. Earth business.
"What in the name of Einstein are you wearing?" Manley erupted, earning him a stern scowl from one of the Plutonian diplomats.
"It's the traditional Plutonian dress for their females," Estelle purred. "It's diplomatic that I wear it."
"I think it's disgraceful," Manley spat, "women should wear their standard-issue pressure suits, with the top unzipped a few inches for comfort. Not this... this..."
"Abomination," Teddy Courage offered. "It leaves everything to the imagination."
"Shhh..." Estelle admonished as the Plutonians took notice, "... we need them and their heavy hydrogen."
"Aren't they a repressive theocracy?" Teddy whispered, kneading his captain's iron-hard shoulders. "And isn't the Earth Council opposed to repressive theocracies? And don't we mine our own heavy hydrogen?"
"Yes, yes, and yes," Estelle replied, "but Pluto has the solar system's largest reserves of heavy hydrogen, more than we ever could find on our own. And if we want them to continue selling it to us, we have to make nice."
Grant Manley put a hand to his chin and rubbed slowly, his thinking pose, while the other rested on his Q-Ray blaster.
"They're wrapping up their mumbo-jumbo," Teddy said, stroking his Captain's face as he pointed across the grand palace ballroom where the Plutonians had just finished sacrificing a gray, three-limbed animal to their ice god. "Let me check your inseam to make sure nothing's riding up."
"I have a better idea," Manley said, batting Teddy's hand away, "why don't we refuse to buy heavy hydrogen from the Plutonians until they stop their nonsense? You know, quit it with the crazy religion and let their women read and vote?"
Teddy Courage and Estelle exchanged a panicked look.
"We don't want to rock the boat," Estelle said.
"And besides, someone else will just buy their heavy hydrogen," Teddy answered, "and we'll have none for ourselves."
"We could find another source of space cruiser fuel," Manley suggested, still in his thinking pose. "I mean, the Earth Council has a bunch of smarty-pants eggheads, right? They can figure it out. Heavy hydrogen can't be the only way to make the USS Victory go."
"Well, that could work," Estelle replied, "except that the Earth Council is full of representatives who are in the pockets of the heavy hydrogen lobby. And the aristocracy of the Earth Council has a long history with the Barons of Pluto. They're friends. Good friends."
"Ah, I understand," Manley said, stroking his chin, "graft, bribery, and corruption, eh?"
"You always see things so crystal clear," Teddy gushed, hugging tight to his Captain's rippling chest.
"Nothing else to do, then," Manley barked as he drew his Q-Ray blaster. It felt good in his hand. Right. Earth Council right. "We'll kill 'em all and let God sort it out. The proper God, the Earth God. Whoever wins gets all the heavy hydrogen."
Monday, May 7, 2012
Blue-Skyin' It...
I'm renting a house, and it's a nice place, relatively new, open floor plan, good flow, huge back porch which is great in the Summer. All in all I think I got a good deal.
But there are a few things I'd want to change.
Like, say, a roof that doesn't drain right onto the front steps. Sliding doors on the back that open the other way instead of the way they do right now. A for-real two-car garage, not just a big one-car you can squeeze two into. Etc. etc. etc.
So I got to thinking... if I were going to make a list, why stop with relatively mundane stuff? If you're going to want, want big. The sky's the limit. So here's a short list of cool stuff I think every house should have. I'm gonna try to get these into any house I build for myself.
Tear-off carpets. You know, like paper towels. After a while carpets get worn, no matter how well you take care of them. When the carpet is looking a little shabby, just pull and tear, and voila! brand new carpeting.
Welcome-mat trap door. Like in the Addams Family. Unwanted visitors ring the bell and the trap door releases dropping them into the alligator pit.
Guess I'm gonna need an alligator pit, too. And alligators to go in it.
Helipad. For my kick-ass helicopter. Which I'll be too chicken to learn how to fly, so it'll just sit up there on the helipad looking cool and pissing off the neighbors.
Anti-wind chime artillery. My neighbors over the back fence are the local 'wind chime family.' One is not enough for them, they have a scrap yard of wind chimes. They must be stopped.
Sensors that know when you're up in the middle of the night and turn on floor-level lighting so you don't stub your little toe on your stupid couch. Again.
An underground lair, complete with fireman's pole and a secret exit for your car, so no one follows you to your house. Hey, if it's good enough for Batman it's good enough for me.
Peel-off paint. Inside and outside. So when you got tired of the paint scheme it would take you five minutes to get a blank canvas to start all over.
But there are a few things I'd want to change.
Like, say, a roof that doesn't drain right onto the front steps. Sliding doors on the back that open the other way instead of the way they do right now. A for-real two-car garage, not just a big one-car you can squeeze two into. Etc. etc. etc.
So I got to thinking... if I were going to make a list, why stop with relatively mundane stuff? If you're going to want, want big. The sky's the limit. So here's a short list of cool stuff I think every house should have. I'm gonna try to get these into any house I build for myself.
Tear-off carpets. You know, like paper towels. After a while carpets get worn, no matter how well you take care of them. When the carpet is looking a little shabby, just pull and tear, and voila! brand new carpeting.
Welcome-mat trap door. Like in the Addams Family. Unwanted visitors ring the bell and the trap door releases dropping them into the alligator pit.
Guess I'm gonna need an alligator pit, too. And alligators to go in it.
Helipad. For my kick-ass helicopter. Which I'll be too chicken to learn how to fly, so it'll just sit up there on the helipad looking cool and pissing off the neighbors.
Anti-wind chime artillery. My neighbors over the back fence are the local 'wind chime family.' One is not enough for them, they have a scrap yard of wind chimes. They must be stopped.
Sensors that know when you're up in the middle of the night and turn on floor-level lighting so you don't stub your little toe on your stupid couch. Again.
An underground lair, complete with fireman's pole and a secret exit for your car, so no one follows you to your house. Hey, if it's good enough for Batman it's good enough for me.
Peel-off paint. Inside and outside. So when you got tired of the paint scheme it would take you five minutes to get a blank canvas to start all over.
Sunday, May 6, 2012
What Are We Missing?
The Romans had steam power.
It's true. Not during Julius Caesar's time, but later in the Empire. They didn't have a true steam engine, not like the one developed in the 18th Century, but they did have a furnace that used the pressure produced from boiling water into steam to open temple doors, to make music like a calliope, to make statues move, that kind of thing. Disney-style animatronics. And that's as far as it went. Steam power was, for them, a novelty and an oddity, not a scientific or technological achievement. I'm not even certain they knew science or technology as we do now; they were human beings as much as you and I are, but their culture was very, very different.
There could be any number of reasons steam power never caught on in Rome - lack of effective long-distance communications, cheap slave labor, lack of efficient materials science, lack of scientific method at all, general apathy by people with the power and money to make things happen. Maybe all of those. But the fact remains the Romans knew about steam power and did nothing useful with it. Not a damn thing. They just missed it.
The Romans couldn't see what they couldn't see* if you catch my drift. They were blind to the application of steam power. It took 1400 years from the decline of the Empire, to the Dark Ages, to the Renaissance, and through Enlightenment for the idea of using steam to do work to catch on. The Romans were nothing but funny writing on marble monuments by the time some smart cookies used steam to run a locomotive about 200 years ago. That's a big gap.
Which makes me wonder what we're missing. What's right in front of us at this very moment that we can't see the value of? What amazing invention is some lonely researcher creating that we're going to ignore, that will prove to be a giant leap forward 1400 years from now? Nikola Tesla - who turned out to be right about everything he ever put his mind to - imagined some pretty wacky stuff in addition to things like radio, AC power, and wireless energy transfer. What if that wacky stuff is the next steam engine? What cultural or societal blinders do we have on that hide what could be a breakthrough that will change the world again?**
But, more to the point, how do we avoid being caught unprepared, like the Romans with steam power? We now have a worldwide scientific community, a competitive business environment, and plenty of monetary incentive for good people to bring their inventions forward. But isn't that just another kind of cultural prison? Aren't there ideas that don't conform to corporate expectations? Ideas that aren't destined to increase profits and grow the bottom line? And aren't those ideas almost certain to be the best?
I don't know... trying to see what you're culturally programmed to ignore sounds to me like trying to tickle yourself, just can't be done. But there is that one in a million person who can tickle themselves, so maybe there's a chance. I'm going to keep my eye open, and hope I recognize innovation when it smacks me in the face.
* I apologize for the Rumsfelidan circular reference
** I don't mean something like Soylent Green, I'm not advocating cannibalism. Not just yet.
It's true. Not during Julius Caesar's time, but later in the Empire. They didn't have a true steam engine, not like the one developed in the 18th Century, but they did have a furnace that used the pressure produced from boiling water into steam to open temple doors, to make music like a calliope, to make statues move, that kind of thing. Disney-style animatronics. And that's as far as it went. Steam power was, for them, a novelty and an oddity, not a scientific or technological achievement. I'm not even certain they knew science or technology as we do now; they were human beings as much as you and I are, but their culture was very, very different.
There could be any number of reasons steam power never caught on in Rome - lack of effective long-distance communications, cheap slave labor, lack of efficient materials science, lack of scientific method at all, general apathy by people with the power and money to make things happen. Maybe all of those. But the fact remains the Romans knew about steam power and did nothing useful with it. Not a damn thing. They just missed it.
The Romans couldn't see what they couldn't see* if you catch my drift. They were blind to the application of steam power. It took 1400 years from the decline of the Empire, to the Dark Ages, to the Renaissance, and through Enlightenment for the idea of using steam to do work to catch on. The Romans were nothing but funny writing on marble monuments by the time some smart cookies used steam to run a locomotive about 200 years ago. That's a big gap.
Which makes me wonder what we're missing. What's right in front of us at this very moment that we can't see the value of? What amazing invention is some lonely researcher creating that we're going to ignore, that will prove to be a giant leap forward 1400 years from now? Nikola Tesla - who turned out to be right about everything he ever put his mind to - imagined some pretty wacky stuff in addition to things like radio, AC power, and wireless energy transfer. What if that wacky stuff is the next steam engine? What cultural or societal blinders do we have on that hide what could be a breakthrough that will change the world again?**
But, more to the point, how do we avoid being caught unprepared, like the Romans with steam power? We now have a worldwide scientific community, a competitive business environment, and plenty of monetary incentive for good people to bring their inventions forward. But isn't that just another kind of cultural prison? Aren't there ideas that don't conform to corporate expectations? Ideas that aren't destined to increase profits and grow the bottom line? And aren't those ideas almost certain to be the best?
I don't know... trying to see what you're culturally programmed to ignore sounds to me like trying to tickle yourself, just can't be done. But there is that one in a million person who can tickle themselves, so maybe there's a chance. I'm going to keep my eye open, and hope I recognize innovation when it smacks me in the face.
* I apologize for the Rumsfelidan circular reference
** I don't mean something like Soylent Green, I'm not advocating cannibalism. Not just yet.
Saturday, May 5, 2012
Lessons In Salt
So the other night I was making myself dinner, a simple, cheap dish: cook ground beef, add brown gravy to the cooked beef, make rice, make peas, dish out rice, dish out peas on rice, dish out brown gravy beef over peas and rice. Eat. All tolled, about $5 to make the whole thing, which gives me three (generous) servings. Sometimes I just can't shake the starving bachelor I used to be.
But... as I took the first bite I realized that I had forgotten to put salt in the ground beef. Since there's no salt in rice or peas, and very little in the brown gravy mix, the meat has to carry the entire seasoning palate. I put in pepper and onion powder and garlic, but no salt. Forgot completely. The entire thing was just bland. Objectionably so, I almost threw it all out.
Now, I used to be a cook - as in I got a check every two weeks for cooking in a restaurant - and I know better. Almost everything needs just a tiny bit of salt. Not too much, because a little bit of salt works like MSG, it enhances the flavor of things. Of everything. For me to forget the salt was not only embarrassing, it was unforgivable. I tried to repair things by adding salt afterwards but that never works. And to top it all off, I undercooked the rice. Not my best night at the stove.
But it got me thinking. There's a metaphor in there somewhere. A little salt makes things better. You can apply this to, say, our current political discourse. There seems to be a huge emphasis placed on toeing the line, on staying 'on message,' where that message is determined by polls and deep-pocket, often creepy donors. A candidate can't think independently, they can't take a position either to the right or to the left of the carefully-crafted 'official' position. They're locked in, unable to add their own spice to the mix. Bland.
I think we need salt again. We need candidates and politicians who will think about things, negotiate, talk things over, be willing to abandon the official party line when the see they can get something done. Or when they're wrong, which they often are. We need people with spice.
But... as I took the first bite I realized that I had forgotten to put salt in the ground beef. Since there's no salt in rice or peas, and very little in the brown gravy mix, the meat has to carry the entire seasoning palate. I put in pepper and onion powder and garlic, but no salt. Forgot completely. The entire thing was just bland. Objectionably so, I almost threw it all out.
Now, I used to be a cook - as in I got a check every two weeks for cooking in a restaurant - and I know better. Almost everything needs just a tiny bit of salt. Not too much, because a little bit of salt works like MSG, it enhances the flavor of things. Of everything. For me to forget the salt was not only embarrassing, it was unforgivable. I tried to repair things by adding salt afterwards but that never works. And to top it all off, I undercooked the rice. Not my best night at the stove.
But it got me thinking. There's a metaphor in there somewhere. A little salt makes things better. You can apply this to, say, our current political discourse. There seems to be a huge emphasis placed on toeing the line, on staying 'on message,' where that message is determined by polls and deep-pocket, often creepy donors. A candidate can't think independently, they can't take a position either to the right or to the left of the carefully-crafted 'official' position. They're locked in, unable to add their own spice to the mix. Bland.
I think we need salt again. We need candidates and politicians who will think about things, negotiate, talk things over, be willing to abandon the official party line when the see they can get something done. Or when they're wrong, which they often are. We need people with spice.
Tuesday, May 1, 2012
Fart Musings
And now for something completely different. A subject near and dear to my heart... farts.
As I've tried to explain to my female relatives, girlfriends, female co-workers, and so on, farts are funny. They have always been funny, they're funny right now, and they're always going to be funny. Timeless humor. It's genetic. The best way to break the ice among a group of guys is to the cut the cheese. Not so much when women are in the room. And it starts early, when we're just kids. My nieces didn't find farts particularly funny, but my nephew came out of the womb grinning at every flatulent sound. He now announces them, as you should - 'I tooted.' It's a guy thing, you chicks just don't understand.
But I think I do. The way I see it, farts are funny to men - ALL men, straight, gay, or what have you - because men's farts are funny. It's all in the presentation, and when the finish drives your friends from the room... you win. You ladies didn't know it was a contest, but with guys everything's a contest. Did you know you can light your farts? If you're a woman you probably said 'no,' but if you're a guy you've either seen it done or done it yourself. Many times. Probably first in Boy Scouts and next at a frat party. I don't know how many bridal showers end in fart-lighting but I'm guessing not many. It's even money that a bachelor party involves an open flame and your best friend's jeans-covered butthole. You have to wear jeans, it's a safety thing.
Women don't think farts are funny because women's farts aren't funny. They're tragic. If men's farts are the SS Minnow of passing gas, women's farts are the Titanic. The aftermath of a man's fart is a pleasant sitcom laugh, the aftermath of a woman's fart is paint-peeling destruction of Biblical proportions. Men's farts are designed to be shared far and wide, women's farts should be concealed, locked away forever like the Ark of the Covenant at the end of Raiders.
But, for every rule there is the exception. It's true that women's farts aren't funny... unless you're a very old woman. Something about farting grannies just makes me smile like nothing else. I think it's the juxtaposition of grandmotherly care and propriety with skirt-lifting breaking of wind. Makes me laugh every time.
Well, I've been talking about it long enough, time for me to get some practice in. I wonder if I have any matches in the house...
As I've tried to explain to my female relatives, girlfriends, female co-workers, and so on, farts are funny. They have always been funny, they're funny right now, and they're always going to be funny. Timeless humor. It's genetic. The best way to break the ice among a group of guys is to the cut the cheese. Not so much when women are in the room. And it starts early, when we're just kids. My nieces didn't find farts particularly funny, but my nephew came out of the womb grinning at every flatulent sound. He now announces them, as you should - 'I tooted.' It's a guy thing, you chicks just don't understand.
But I think I do. The way I see it, farts are funny to men - ALL men, straight, gay, or what have you - because men's farts are funny. It's all in the presentation, and when the finish drives your friends from the room... you win. You ladies didn't know it was a contest, but with guys everything's a contest. Did you know you can light your farts? If you're a woman you probably said 'no,' but if you're a guy you've either seen it done or done it yourself. Many times. Probably first in Boy Scouts and next at a frat party. I don't know how many bridal showers end in fart-lighting but I'm guessing not many. It's even money that a bachelor party involves an open flame and your best friend's jeans-covered butthole. You have to wear jeans, it's a safety thing.
Women don't think farts are funny because women's farts aren't funny. They're tragic. If men's farts are the SS Minnow of passing gas, women's farts are the Titanic. The aftermath of a man's fart is a pleasant sitcom laugh, the aftermath of a woman's fart is paint-peeling destruction of Biblical proportions. Men's farts are designed to be shared far and wide, women's farts should be concealed, locked away forever like the Ark of the Covenant at the end of Raiders.
But, for every rule there is the exception. It's true that women's farts aren't funny... unless you're a very old woman. Something about farting grannies just makes me smile like nothing else. I think it's the juxtaposition of grandmotherly care and propriety with skirt-lifting breaking of wind. Makes me laugh every time.
Well, I've been talking about it long enough, time for me to get some practice in. I wonder if I have any matches in the house...
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