Where's My X-Ray Vision?

If you're a science geek you've no doubt been following the progress of the Large Hadron Collider, and you know that it's once again operational, and set to come up to full power some time next year. If you're not a science geek, you've probably heard about those crazy particle physicists who are trying to smash protons together over in Switzerland (and France, the thing is huge). It's the largest science experiment ever, it's the largest machine ever built, and is the most expensive pure research project ever. Some misinformed souls also think that when it comes up to full power, the LHC will create a black hole that will destroy the Earth; they've even tried to get court injunctions against turning it on. This is all just ignorant panic and crazy talk, and hides the truth of the real purpose of the LHC.
   It's designed to give people super-powers.
   Stay with me on this one. The LHC is a colossal undertaking, huge tunnels and giant magnets and elementary particles slamming into each other at the speed of light. It cost $9 billion - that's billion with a capital B - and involves the coordination of people and materials from Europe to North America to Asia to Africa to Antarctica (really). Who else could manage that but some sort of evil genius like Lex Luthor or Blofeld?
   I've stripped away the veil, haven't I? It all makes sense now. There's no way that scientists and governments could come together to see a project through almost 40 years of planning and construction... but an evil genius could. An evil genius is almost obligated to do that kind of thing. And all this 'Higgs boson' talk, it's just a smoke screen. It's obvious to any thinking man that the real purpose behind this whole endeavor is to make regular people into super-powered heroes. Why else go to all the trouble? For science? Yeah, sure...
   So I want my super-powers. And I want something cool, not something lame. No giant stilts or some gloppy glue gun, I want wings - angel wings, not bat wings - or the ability to turn my skin to steel or super-speed or control over the elements. Something like that.
   It's only a matter of time, once the LHC powers up all the way next year. Watch the skies...