Where's My X-Ray Vision?

If you're a science geek you've no doubt been following the progress of the Large Hadron Collider, and you know that it's once again operational, and set to come up to full power some time next year. If you're not a science geek, you've probably heard about those crazy particle physicists who are trying to smash protons together over in Switzerland (and France, the thing is huge). It's the largest science experiment ever, it's the largest machine ever built, and is the most expensive pure research project ever. Some misinformed souls also think that when it comes up to full power, the LHC will create a black hole that will destroy the Earth; they've even tried to get court injunctions against turning it on. This is all just ignorant panic and crazy talk, and hides the truth of the real purpose of the LHC.
   It's designed to give people super-powers.
   Stay with me on this one. The LHC is a colossal undertaking, huge tunnels and giant magnets and elementary particles slamming into each other at the speed of light. It cost $9 billion - that's billion with a capital B - and involves the coordination of people and materials from Europe to North America to Asia to Africa to Antarctica (really). Who else could manage that but some sort of evil genius like Lex Luthor or Blofeld?
   I've stripped away the veil, haven't I? It all makes sense now. There's no way that scientists and governments could come together to see a project through almost 40 years of planning and construction... but an evil genius could. An evil genius is almost obligated to do that kind of thing. And all this 'Higgs boson' talk, it's just a smoke screen. It's obvious to any thinking man that the real purpose behind this whole endeavor is to make regular people into super-powered heroes. Why else go to all the trouble? For science? Yeah, sure...
   So I want my super-powers. And I want something cool, not something lame. No giant stilts or some gloppy glue gun, I want wings - angel wings, not bat wings - or the ability to turn my skin to steel or super-speed or control over the elements. Something like that.
   It's only a matter of time, once the LHC powers up all the way next year. Watch the skies...

My Proust Questionnaire

Vanity Fair magazine has a regular feature on its last page in which they ask celebrities or people of note to answer the same 18-30 questions. The Proust Questionnaire. Since I may never have Vanity Fair knocking on my door asking for my two cents, I decided to short-cut the process and just post my answers to a few of those questions right away.
   Yeah, I read Vanity Fair. So what? You want to fight about it? Right... didn't think so...

Anyway, I tried not to be as evasive and superior as Martha Stewart - who would not really answer a single question, no surprise there - or as self-absorbed and old-Hollywood as Tony Curtis.

What is your idea of perfect happiness?
   When Gotham City is finally free from the scourge of crime... hold on, that's Batman...
   uh... a good steak dinner - with potatoes and asparagus and creme brulle and all that - that I didn't make for myself and that I didn't have to pay for.
What is your greatest fear?
   That chimps, gorillas, and orangoutangs are plotting to take over the world. And that they'd do a better job than we have.
What is the trait you most deplore in yourself?
   Laziness.
What is the trait you most deplore in others?
   Unearned arrogance.
What is your current state of mind?
   Pretty good for an unemployed bum
What is your greatest regret?
   That I didn't stay in Venice for Carnival when the pretty rental car clerk asked me to. Not a joke, it really happened and it's my one regret.
How would you like to die?
   On my hundredth birthday, falling fifty feet from a circus trapeze, and I survive the fall but the sound I make when I hit the ground spooks the elephant and he scoops me up in his tusks and flings me into the Human Cannonball's cannon, which goes off and shoots me into the fair grounds where I land in the cotton candy machine. And then I smother on cotton candy.