And That's The Truth

Ping pong balls are filled with nerve toxin.
   Santa Claus can't go back into Liechtenstein. He won't say why.
They actually make photocopiers strong enough to sit on because they know you're going to scan your own ass.
   Trees are telepathic, they're just not mobile. So they know you're going to chop them down but they can't run away. It's a cruel evolutionary adaptation, but nobody said nature was kind, only efficient.
Most of what you text is complete nonsense. Same with Twitter.
   Fire bad. No, wait, fire good.
Cameras do steal your soul, but only if it's a film camera. Digital cameras steal the photographer's soul.
   Most UFOs are shaped like weather balloons. Helps them blend in.
Termites are not blind, they're faking it for the sympathy.
   Every prison cell has a secret exit, you just have to be smart enough to find it.
In 200 years fashion designers are going to look back at 1980's leg warmers as the height of style.
   When you stub your toe that's the Universe's way of telling you to pay more attention to where you're walking. And maybe to put on some shoes.
Everyone you've ever known and everyone you're ever going to meet will die. Except for Keith Richards.
   Corporations are run by people who are less competent than you are, and who don't care enough about their jobs to do them well. But they're going to die like everyone else, so that's some consolation.
Winos rarely drink wine. At least not very good wine. Which is kind of the point, now that I think about it.