Animal Smarts

Remember Planet of the Apes? I sure do, I love that movie. Hell, I even love the fourth sequel and nobody ever loves fourth sequels. It was a madhouse of a world, where apes walked on their hind legs and ruled over herds of mute humans. It was a cautionary tale, a lesson in man's brutality to his fellow man.
   My favorite were the monkeys.
   There was a definite division of labor. The orangoutans were the bureaucrats, the chimpanzees were the scientists, and the gorillas were the soldiers. Makes sense, kind of, if you ignore the fact that gorillas are really peaceful and shy in the wild. But in the wild they don't speak either, so I guess it's all a wash.
   But I got to wondering, if all animals were like the Planet of the Apes, what jobs would each species have? I came up with a few answers.

   Elephants - teamsters. Like you're going to tell an elephant what to do and when to do it.
   Crocodiles - finance. Crooked finance, the kind that got the world into trouble two years ago.
   Cats - mad scientists. Think about it, if they could talk, they'd want to know the most painful ways to torture you.
   Pigs - short order cooks. Not really gourmets, pigs would be the hairy guy behind the grill, stub of a cigarette in his lips, slinging hash.
   Hawks - traffic cops. They're always circling, circling, looking for the opportunity to strike.
   Rabbits - day care workers. They're quiet, vegetarian, and breed easily.
   Buffalo - mall security guards. Big and burly, they'd rather not move much.
   Pelicans - mail men. Naturally.
   Cows - Dairy Queen workers. Duh.
   Coyotes - private detectives. A slightly-not-legit job for a slightly-not-legit animal.
   Mice - office workers. They live in a maze and actually believe there's a point in going for the cheese.
   Dogs - wing man. Think about it. Who's got your back, no matter what? Who's gonna look out for you even if you're a total jerk? Yup, your dog.