There Oughta Be A Pill...

I don't usually take drugs. And I don't mean just crack, I don't take regular medication of any kind. Aspirin now and then, when I have an ache or my head hurts from giving up soda yet again. But I was sitting in traffic today behind a person who WOULD NOT GO THE SPEED LIMIT -- grrr -- and I thought, 'there should be a pill that person could take to realize that if the sign says 45 she doesn't have to go 30.'
   It's a modern conceit. Just take a pill to solve the problem. Quick and easy, relatively painless unless the pill goes down sideways, and very American in its simplicity. Why work to fix something when you could just take drugs?
   And the floodgates opened. Here's a list of things that could be solved by better application of modern pharmacology.

Notaloneicin - makes you realize that there are, in fact, other people in the world who may not want to be held hostage to your whims. Perfect for people who leave their shopping carts in the center of the aisle.

Quitchabitchin - provides for relief of kids who have always gotten their way when they find out that the world doesn't hand out participation ribbons.

Getalongopril - specifically for elected officials who believe their mandate is to oppose rather than to compromise. We'd need a lot of this one. A LOT.

Compassionalitril - used to allow the self-righteous to walk a mile in the shoes of someone less fortunate. It's easy to be a smug judge when you have no idea of someone else's situation.

Thinkaminit - designed for bureaucrats who blindly adhere to the formula of their job instead of the overall intent. If we made it with an aerosol delivery vector we could gas the DMV and solve everyone's problem overnight.

Dontbeadoucheatall - for CEOs and finance jackasses who imagine their sole purpose is to line their own pockets, not to protect the American financial system. I'm also thinking this might be better used like rat poison, sprinkled on ill-gotten gains so the greedy bastards will just curl up and die.