Animal Smarts

Remember Planet of the Apes? I sure do, I love that movie. Hell, I even love the fourth sequel and nobody ever loves fourth sequels. It was a madhouse of a world, where apes walked on their hind legs and ruled over herds of mute humans. It was a cautionary tale, a lesson in man's brutality to his fellow man.
   My favorite were the monkeys.
   There was a definite division of labor. The orangoutans were the bureaucrats, the chimpanzees were the scientists, and the gorillas were the soldiers. Makes sense, kind of, if you ignore the fact that gorillas are really peaceful and shy in the wild. But in the wild they don't speak either, so I guess it's all a wash.
   But I got to wondering, if all animals were like the Planet of the Apes, what jobs would each species have? I came up with a few answers.

   Elephants - teamsters. Like you're going to tell an elephant what to do and when to do it.
   Crocodiles - finance. Crooked finance, the kind that got the world into trouble two years ago.
   Cats - mad scientists. Think about it, if they could talk, they'd want to know the most painful ways to torture you.
   Pigs - short order cooks. Not really gourmets, pigs would be the hairy guy behind the grill, stub of a cigarette in his lips, slinging hash.
   Hawks - traffic cops. They're always circling, circling, looking for the opportunity to strike.
   Rabbits - day care workers. They're quiet, vegetarian, and breed easily.
   Buffalo - mall security guards. Big and burly, they'd rather not move much.
   Pelicans - mail men. Naturally.
   Cows - Dairy Queen workers. Duh.
   Coyotes - private detectives. A slightly-not-legit job for a slightly-not-legit animal.
   Mice - office workers. They live in a maze and actually believe there's a point in going for the cheese.
   Dogs - wing man. Think about it. Who's got your back, no matter what? Who's gonna look out for you even if you're a total jerk? Yup, your dog.

Modern Aesop - The Fox and the Ants

Once a Fox found himself in charge of a very large corporation. He was paid out of all proportion, not only to his contributions, but to his talent. The Fox was not very good at his job, but he was extremely good at hiding how bad he was at his job. He took credit for everything good that happened, yet blamed the poor Ant workers for everything that went wrong. He enjoyed far more than his fair share, not only of coins, but of food, leisure, and praise from other animals who found his leadership remarkable. But the Ants knew the truth.
   Then one day the Fox's incompetence became too much to hide and the Jackals from the press corps began nipping at his heels. They asked the Fox questions he wished they wouldn't, like why he had agreed to let the Donkeys in finance leverage the company's assets 35 to 1, or why Fox had lent so many coins to unworthy Sheep who couldn't possibly pay them back. The Fox held a press conference and blamed his Ants, saying that if the Ants had just worked a little bit harder none of the problems would have happened.
   Great Jupiter then commanded the Wolf to purchase the Fox's corporation, and the Fox retired to green pastures with other clever Foxes, taking his urns full of coins and leading a life many times better than the Ants whom he had left with all the problems he created by his own incompetence and greed. And Great Jupiter did nothing to punish the Fox, and the Judge Gorilla did nothing, and the Ants could do nothing on their own without the help of Jupiter or the Gorilla, so the Fox continued to enjoy the his ill-gotten fortune.
   Then Fox had a heart attack and died on the golf course next to his Vixen trophy wife. And the Ants were satisfied with this decree of the Fates.