I Met Miss Texas

Pageants are big in Texas. I mean, they're big all over the country, but they're really big in Texas, like everything else. I've known ladies who've been pageant aspirants, but I never met anyone big-time. Until a few weeks ago.
   It was during Fiesta, a week-long party here in San Antonio, and Miss Texas USA, Ana Rodriguez, was the Grand Marshal of the Flambeau parade. I have family connections - plus my sister was out of town - so I got to go to the Flambeau VIP Reception. Where Miss Texas was. As the Grand Marshal she was obligated to go to these functions, to meet and greet and pose for pictures, that kind of thing. So when the moment presented itself I stood in line for a snapshot with her. She was very nice, asked my name, shook my hand, made eye contact, very professional. I got two pictures with my new iPhone and that was that.
   Miss Texas stayed to take a few more pictures, said a few words as Grand Marshal, and then I didn't see her. I figured her bodyguard (she has more than one) whisked her off so she could sleep, or do her hair or whatever it is beauty pageant winners do when they're not smiling and shaking hands.
   I was so, so wrong.
   About an hour later - really - the reception was winding down and we left. Only to find Miss Texas in the lobby outside the hall, signing autographs and posing for pictures. She'd been doing that before I got in line, and she'd been doing it since I got my snapshot and moved on. From the looks of things in the lobby she was going to be there for another hour, maybe longer.
   Smile, sign, wave, pose. Smile, sign, wave, pose. Over and over and over and over and over again. And I gotta say, she did not look fatigued or annoyed or anything other than picture-perfect.
   But I did feel sorry for her. I mean, she'd been on the pageant circuit for 5 years, working towards this goal, and eventually towards being Miss USA. Then when she lands the gig, it turns out to be both a whole lot more and a whole lot less than what she imagined. She got the crown and she got everything else that goes along with it. I'm guessing she buys big tubs of hand sanitizer, and chomps vitamin C every hour. All that contact with the general public can't be good for your immune system. And - on top of all that - she has to deal with Donald Trump. I don't envy her one bit.
   Be careful what you wish for, I suppose.

The True King Of Love

I'm sure you all get spam e-mail, it's one of the ugly drawbacks to the benefits of the Internet. Less junk mail in your regular mailbox, tons of spam in your e-mail inbox. For some reason I get spam for boner pills every single day. You know, Levitra, Viagra, Cialis, that kind of thing; maybe these spammers know something I don't? And while most spam is filtered properly, these purveyors change their e-mail addresses so often - and misspell 'viagra' on purpose - that my e-mail inbox can't keep up. I mark the messages as junk and delete them.
   Until today. I was deleting the latest boner pill spam when I came across one I just couldn't ignore. Finally, at long last, one of these guys had come up with a clever marketing ploy. The subject line read 'Levitra_MakesYouTheTrueKingOfLove.'
   I didn't open the e-mail, of course, but it's still there in my hotmail account* so I can look at it and laugh. And maybe give a small footnote to a marketing textbook. This horrible spam - for a product I don't need and won't buy, let's be perfectly clear - did what it was supposed to do. It made me stop and notice it. King of Love... Well now, who wouldn't want that? Being the true king of anything is great, but being the True King Of Love? Sign me up.
   It's not just about the volume, any idiot with manual from Barnes and Noble can set up an e-mail server and become a spammer. But the minimal effort they take with their subject lines makes me wonder if they're more interested more in jamming up e-mail inboxes rather than trying to move product. Maybe if they took just a little more effort, like this person did, they might ring a higher percentage of sales.
   True King Of Love... I like the sound of it. It would make a great business card.


*my public e-mail, the one I use when I fill out online forms, precisely so my real e-mail account won't have to deal with all the spam