I've been thinking about the best way to go about becoming gainfully employed. Yup, it's time to start hitting it pretty hard, time to leave this life of leisure and get back on the job track. It's not that I want to, it's that I need to. But all of us currently 'between assignments' know that the entire recruiting process these days is designed so that you can't actually talk to a person, they don't want to be bothered. Kind of cowardly, if you ask me, and just about the worst way you could find someone to do a job, but that's the way it is. So I've been trying to think of ways to avoid the resume black hole and get myself noticed, and I finally got it.
I need my own action figure.
I grew up with the Mego superhero figures, I had Batman, Superman, and Aquaman (really), and, of course, the real GI Joe, the big one, not the horrible little one. I still have, somewhere, the first set of Star Wars action figures, all well-worn and thoroughly played with, as toys should be. And right now, atop my bookshelf, sit two modern action figures, The Dude and Walter. I know from action figures, is what I'm saying, and today the collector's action figure market is huge.
I figure my action figure would be the size of the real GI Joe, a foot tall, and I'd have my own 'Living Room Playset,' complete with couch, big TV, and remote control. He could have something to paint on a beard - since I shave infrequently now - and you'd strip him down to his underwear to watch broadcast TV, since he canceled cable. He'd have a wide variety of work clothes gathering dust in his closet, and he'd try to eat healthy but fall off the wagon more times than not. It could be the first in a line of 'real world' action figures, designed to prepare little kids for the harsh realities of life.
I think I'm on to something here...
Showing posts with label game. Show all posts
Showing posts with label game. Show all posts
Friday, September 25, 2009
Friday, July 10, 2009
Fun Games At Work
During your down time at work today - and let's be honest, you have a LOT of down time - why don't you engage your brain in some 'what-if' exercises? While you're growing more neurons you can confuse, concern, and enrage your co-workers, a win-win all around.
Who Survives?
You need at least one other person, so find a friend or make one real quick. Both of you sit down in a public area like a break room or dining facility, and take out a piece of paper. Make two columns on the page, one labeled 'In the Bunker' the other labeled 'Outside.' Your objective is to place all your co-workers, bosses, janitorial staff, etc. in one of these columns.
So what are the columns for?
The story is this: there has been a nuclear holocaust, and all that is left is your office. The only safe place is inside the building, but there aren't enough resources for everyone. At least half the people must be escorted outside the building where they'll succumb to the radiation. Or mutate horribly, or develop superpowers, whatever. Bottom line: the ones inside survive and the ones outside don't. You and your friend are in charge of who stays and who goes, of who lives and who dies. You'll need justification for each person you keep, Bob is a good cook, Dave knows how to skin a deer, Mary is necessary for repopulating the world, etc.
Once word gets out about what you're doing, you'll be surprised who takes an interest, especially if they're in the 'Outside' column. When they ask how you have the jurisdiction over life and death you can just tell them you wouldn't have the list if you didn't have the authority. Circular reasoning befuddles the masses.
Note: Don't create an 'airlock' to keep people in some kind of limbo, neither in nor out. Trust me, pretty soon you'll have more people in the airlock than outside or inside. You're the one making the tough decisions, so make them already.
Who Survives?
You need at least one other person, so find a friend or make one real quick. Both of you sit down in a public area like a break room or dining facility, and take out a piece of paper. Make two columns on the page, one labeled 'In the Bunker' the other labeled 'Outside.' Your objective is to place all your co-workers, bosses, janitorial staff, etc. in one of these columns.
So what are the columns for?
The story is this: there has been a nuclear holocaust, and all that is left is your office. The only safe place is inside the building, but there aren't enough resources for everyone. At least half the people must be escorted outside the building where they'll succumb to the radiation. Or mutate horribly, or develop superpowers, whatever. Bottom line: the ones inside survive and the ones outside don't. You and your friend are in charge of who stays and who goes, of who lives and who dies. You'll need justification for each person you keep, Bob is a good cook, Dave knows how to skin a deer, Mary is necessary for repopulating the world, etc.
Once word gets out about what you're doing, you'll be surprised who takes an interest, especially if they're in the 'Outside' column. When they ask how you have the jurisdiction over life and death you can just tell them you wouldn't have the list if you didn't have the authority. Circular reasoning befuddles the masses.
Note: Don't create an 'airlock' to keep people in some kind of limbo, neither in nor out. Trust me, pretty soon you'll have more people in the airlock than outside or inside. You're the one making the tough decisions, so make them already.
Sunday, July 5, 2009
Are You F***in' Kidding Me?
Evidently Universal Studios has just bid highest for the movie rights to... wait for it... Asteroids. Universal is already in development on a 'Battleship' movie and a 'Candlyand' movie. Seriously, I can't make up stuff this stupid.
Yup, they're going to make a movie based on a thirty-year-old video game that was nothing but a triangle and lumpy blocks. I used to absolutely KILL at Asteroids, I once had the high score on three different machines within bicycle distance of my house.
And yet another fond childhood memory gets co-opted by corporate weasels...
Yup, they're going to make a movie based on a thirty-year-old video game that was nothing but a triangle and lumpy blocks. I used to absolutely KILL at Asteroids, I once had the high score on three different machines within bicycle distance of my house.
And yet another fond childhood memory gets co-opted by corporate weasels...
Saturday, April 25, 2009
The PuercoDrome
I have a friend who owns some land in Mexico, a rancho down in the Yucatan, where there is jungle; monkeys live in the jungle (monkeys, not apes: monkeys have tails, and no designs to take over for humanity after a nuclear holocaust). Among other business propositions, my friend raises pigs. So one day I got to thinking, which is always fun for me but sometimes not for others.
My reasoning goes like this:
1. Until you sell them for slaughter, pigs aren't much fun. Sure, they eat a lot and they crap a lot and they sleep a lot, but those things aren't fun unless I'm the one doing them.
2. I remember seeing pig races at the Texas State Fair. That was fun. Those little piglets sure loved Oreos. But then again, who doesn't?
3. Why not have the pigs on my friend's rancho - pigs who are otherwise doing a whole lot of nothing until it's time to become pork chops - work for their room and board?
4. Since there are a lot of monkeys in the Mexican jungle we need to get them in on the action too. Any animal with thumbs is an animal that can work.
So an idea formed in my brain: why not have pig races, like I saw at the Texas State Fair, but this time, since we had easy access to monkeys, we could have pig races with monkey jockeys.
Think about it, an oval track, like a miniature Circus Maximus, where the pigs are racing for Oreos, and the monkeys are racing for honor. We could even dress the monkeys up in little cowboy costumes, or little jockey outfits, or even in Ben Hur period dress and re-enact the movie.
When I tried to convince my friend that this was not only a fun idea it would be a money-making proposition, he didn't want any part of it. Wouldn't even entertain the idea, let alone make up blueprints, plan the stadium, or approach the bank about a small business loan. Trying to get sponsors to buy skyboxes was right out, too.
Another of my beautiful ideas dies on the vine.
But I haven't heard from my friend in a while, there's every possibility he's running pig races from a PuercoDrome in the middle of the Yucatan at this very minute.
My reasoning goes like this:
1. Until you sell them for slaughter, pigs aren't much fun. Sure, they eat a lot and they crap a lot and they sleep a lot, but those things aren't fun unless I'm the one doing them.
2. I remember seeing pig races at the Texas State Fair. That was fun. Those little piglets sure loved Oreos. But then again, who doesn't?
3. Why not have the pigs on my friend's rancho - pigs who are otherwise doing a whole lot of nothing until it's time to become pork chops - work for their room and board?
4. Since there are a lot of monkeys in the Mexican jungle we need to get them in on the action too. Any animal with thumbs is an animal that can work.
So an idea formed in my brain: why not have pig races, like I saw at the Texas State Fair, but this time, since we had easy access to monkeys, we could have pig races with monkey jockeys.
Think about it, an oval track, like a miniature Circus Maximus, where the pigs are racing for Oreos, and the monkeys are racing for honor. We could even dress the monkeys up in little cowboy costumes, or little jockey outfits, or even in Ben Hur period dress and re-enact the movie.
When I tried to convince my friend that this was not only a fun idea it would be a money-making proposition, he didn't want any part of it. Wouldn't even entertain the idea, let alone make up blueprints, plan the stadium, or approach the bank about a small business loan. Trying to get sponsors to buy skyboxes was right out, too.
Another of my beautiful ideas dies on the vine.
But I haven't heard from my friend in a while, there's every possibility he's running pig races from a PuercoDrome in the middle of the Yucatan at this very minute.
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