Building A Mystery...

There's a question I've been pondering for years now - YEARS - and I still don't have an answer. I'm a fairly smart guy, so this lack of a solution has me troubled; is it something I'm just not seeing, or is there some veil the truth is hidden behind. I don't know, and the longer this goes on the more I think there are some things man was just not meant to know. What's the question? Glad you asked.
   How does Radio Shack stay in business?
   Seriously, have you been in a Radio Shack recently? Or even in the last ten years, because they haven't changed at all. They stock store-brand RC cars, terrible off-brand cell phones, grossly overpriced TV and stereo cables, batteries and... that's about it. Every time I've had to buy something at a Radio Shack* there's been one guy working and nobody else in the store. I felt I was interrupting his day, or perhaps a pending drug deal, with my petty commerce. Like going into that suspect hamburger joint, you know the one, that never seems to be open except late at night or early in the morning, and then you find out from a neighbor that Armenians own the place and are using it to launder money from whatever fraud they're perpetrating.
   Radio Shack bothers me and yet intrigues me at the same time. Bothers me because I strongly suspect there's something crooked going on, either at the stores or at the corporate level or both. If you can't reconcile their reported profits with the fact that the stores are mostly empty all day long, then somebody somewhere is fudging the numbers or completely making them up. Intrigues me because, on the off chance they're not totally lying then they have a magic business model, something other corporations would do well to copy.
   But I'm putting my money on the lie. You just can't sell enough batteries and cables to keep a store like that afloat.

Now... what about the Sunglasses Hut? They're always devoid of customers, so the fact that they're still in business seems kind of shady. HA! Get it? Sunglasses... shady... hooo boy... that's comedy right there.


* cell phone charger, cell phone battery, and cable TV adapter. And, with the cell phone battery, I bought a gorilla-shaped flashlight. Really.

Run With Scissors

If I were in charge of a charity event, I think I'd like to see us raise money by needlessly endangering the participant's lives. I mean, we've seen all sort of fun runs, and awareness walks, and pancake breakfasts, and wine tastings, and... well, you name it. Nothing very memorable and certainly nothing very dangerous.
   But think of the 'awareness' and notoriety you could get your cause if you put people in jeopardy on purpose. As far as local news is concerned 'if it bleeds it leads,' so why not play into that? Here are my suggestions for charity fund raising events that are guaranteed to end in tragedy and TONS of publicity.

MDA Bear-baiting
United Way Dirty Needle Tatto-fest
Doctors Without Borders Semi-Annual Train Trestle Dare
Red Cross Cinderblock Swim
American Cancer Society 10K Scissors Run
Gates Foundation Rabid Possum Catch
Susan G. Komen No-Parachute Jump
Habitat For Humanity Nail Gun Dodge-Em
Greenpeace Medical Clinic Dumpster Dive
PBS 'Startle Our Oldest Donors' a-thon
March of Dimes Untrained Lumberjack Week
World Wildlife Fund Maximum Security Prison Experience
Amnesty International 'Is This Really Poisonous?' Night

Grease Is The Word... Ugh...

I've been trying to eat better lately, more healthy stuff, more veggies and less sweets. Trying to be good. But every so often you just gotta have a burger.
   Yesterday I went to a local place where you can get a great burger with your choice of a lot of different toppings, even specialty mayonnaise. You can also get sweet potato fries, regular fries, and onion ring things all on one plate. So that's what I got. And a 1/3 pound burger with Gruyere cheese, grilled onions, pickles, and guacamole. With pesto on the side. Made that one up myself. And it was goooooood... mmm - mmm.
   Then I went home.
   Climbing the stairs - because the elevator STILL isn't fixed - I felt the bloat. I had a little food baby in my tummy and it was kicking up a storm.
   I fumbled with my keys as the lethargy set in. I managed to get through the door before my eyes closed. The couch called to me and I answered. But I couldn't fall asleep. My food baby was tossing and turning, determined not only to keep me awake but to make me sorry I'd ever set foot in the restaurant. As I lay there in abject misery, paying for my twenty minutes of indulgence with hours of regret, I realized things had changed.
   I am worthless and weak. Time was I could eat two Big Macs with fries and a big-ass Coke, then do five hours of back-breaking work outside and never feel a thing. Now I eat a great non-fast-food burger with fresh fries and I'm laid out like Sonny Liston after he dared to face off against Muhammad Ali.*
   What a wimp.
   Next thing you know I'll start liking TV shows about high school glee clubs, and I'll probably start going to Broadway musicals. Hey, wait a second...


* this way-back machine moment brought to you by the Howard Cosell Memorial Sports Reference Foundation.