Reinvent Yourself

For every platitude there are ten self-help books you can buy that try to tell you how to achieve that goal. Want to be a millionaire in ten days? Book for that. Start your own internet business with no money and make ten thousand dollars your first month? Couple of books for that. Want a better relationship with your kids, spouse, co-workers, or pet? A whole aisle of those.
   And then there's reinventing yourself. There are even books on tape for that.
   Trouble is, there's no one definition for reinventing yourself. Some people just want to stop smoking, others want to lose weight, others want to drop a dead-end career and begin something new and fulfilling.
   I'm looking to reinvent myself too. But I have no idea how to go about it, mostly because I don't know what I mean when I say 'reinvent myself.' I'm in that demographic sweet spot, just comfortable enough that I don't feel the need to become a freedom fighter up in the hills, but not so comfortable that I want to keep on this same path the rest of my life.
   Kids are a pleasant interruption in most people's lives. You have a few kids and you know that for the next twenty years you're going to be raising them, teaching them, making them responsible citizens and then seeing them on their way. For a few decades you have a reason to endure the daily grind. But I ain't got kids. Want 'em, don't have 'em. So I'm kind of at loose ends here.
   Midlife crisis? Perhaps. But I think it's both less and more than that. I do keep thinking there has to be more I can do to help other people, to make a difference instead of just... consuming like an American does. But maybe I should just shut up and keep my head down until my time is over.
   Nah. Can't do that. I think, maybe, the struggle is the thing. The struggle to be heard, the struggle to be successful, the struggle to overcome yourself so you can get what you know you need instead of what everyone else says you should want. You only lose when you surrender.
   Besides, if I really wanted to 'reinvent' myself, I'd go with a prehensile tail and laser beam eyes. That would be cool.

I Can Run Real Fast Now

For Christmas my sister gave me money to buy new sneakers. Mostly to stop my complaining and dropping broad, un-subtle hints about how much I wanted new exercise shoes rather than out of the goodness of her heart. Never underestimate the power of annoying your relatives around Christmastime.
   So once I was back in Pasadena I went to the store and got myself some new kicks. They're bright and shiny white, not dingy and gray like my old pair, and the tread is nubby and raised, not slick and smooth like my old pair, and they look like little spaceships on my feet instead of like Fred Sanford's junkyard truck like my old pair.
   And, just like when I got new sneakers back in elementary school, I can now run fast. Way fast. Super fast. Like I was The Flash or something.
   Seriously. I went to work out wearing my new shoes and I got to the gym before I left the apartment. I got on the treadmill and I went so fast it burst into flames and fell to pieces. When I left for home I ran so fast the wind blew all the protein bars off the shelf. Seriously. It happened. Ask anybody.
   I know when I'm in the gym all the people at the gym are looking at my new shoes, staring with envy, or avarice, or a little bit of both. But you can't have them, they're my new shoes. And I run faster with them on.
   Thanks to my sister for feeding my delusion.

Sa Prize

Life rolls on, it's inevitable. But that doesn't mean certain developments can't smack you in the face and leave you shaking your head in wonderment.
   Yesterday I saw Dr. Dre pitching Dr. Pepper on TV.
   It wasn't that long ago that I asked whether a 17-year-old kid who'd never known N.W.A. should be allowed to wear an 'Eazy Duz It' t-shirt. I guess I have my answer. If the founder of Death Row records can become a pitch man for Dr. Pepper, all bets are off, anything goes, and the world can devolve into chaos.
   Dre, I know you have bills to pay like everybody else, and I know you've been working steadily as a producer since N.W.A., but come on... Dr. Pepper? What happened to Straight Outta Compton? What happened to the anger and the energy of those days? Has it turned into a house in Brentwood and private school for the kids? If it has, good for you, but bad for the rest of us.
   To tell you the truth, we expected this kind of thing from Ice Cube - what with 'Three Kings' and 'Barber Shop,' and 'Are We There Yet' - but you got to it first. For soda pop. For God's sake, even Billy D managed to shill Colt 45.
   So long, N.W.A., it really is all over now.
      Shootin' everything in sight, tonight's the night to get hyped
      and fight for what's wrong, f**k what's right...
      but before you do, why not have a cool, refreshing Dr. Pepper?