Kill Gilligan

The other day I was thinking about Gilligan's Island, which I haven't seen in a very long time. Back in the days of only three broadcast channels (and PBS) and no cable TV Gilligan's Island was my favorite show. It was perfect for a little kid, with characters painted in broad strokes, simple situations, and lots of running and falling down. Very entertaining, especially with a glass of juice and a cookie for a snack.
   As I got older I began to deconstruct Gilligan's Island, finding allegories and archetypes that I'm certain the creators never intended. For instance, the Skipper is the Miles Gloriosus of Roman Comedy, Mr. Howell is the Senex, Gilligan is the clever Adulescens, Ginger is the Meretrix, and so on. Lots of smarty-pants college kid stuff there. But I still liked the show. Especially Gilligan.
   But if I were on that island I would have killed him.
   The forgiving nature of Gilligan's island-bound cohorts always bothered me, no matter how old I was. It seemed that every week Gilligan was the one who cost them their way off the island. It was his fault. Every time. And the others never did a thing about it.
   The first time I can see forgiving him, it's human nature. The second time, okay, maybe then too. But as the series stretched on and switched from black-and-white to color, Gilligan had kept them from getting rescued for YEARS.
   About the fourth or fifth time he cost me a trip back to civilization, Gilligan would have found himself on the wrong end of a pointed stick. Or a heavy volcanic rock. Or a noose made of banana leaves. Or maybe just a quick toss off a precipice on the 'other side of the island.'

Having unleashed this murderous streak inside myself, I got to thinking about other classic TV characters who wouldn't have had nearly the longevity they did if I were there.

   Dr. Smith from Lost In Space. Mincing pedophiles should always be the first tossed out the airlock.
   Darren from Bewitched. The second one, I liked the first one. The second Darren was annoying and superior and always wanted to keep Sam down. Be free, sister!
   Eddie Haskell from Leave It To Beaver. Hey, Eddie, want to go down to the abandoned quarry?
   Greg from The Brady Bunch. He turns into Johnny Bravo, he should have been stopped before that was allowed to happen.
   Laurie from the Partridge Family. All she did was whine. And get skinnier. I hate skinny whiners.
   Gleek the Space Monkey from Superfriends. He's a blue space monkey that speaks in baby-babble. 'Nuff said.