Walk On By

I've been watching people walk lately. Not just hot chicks, though I've done my share of that – maybe more than my share. I've been watching all kinds of people, young, old, short, tall, fat, thin, and everything in between. I'm fascinated with it, kind of my new obsession. If I were the type to get obsessed with things. Which I'm not. But if I were…
   The street's the best place to begin your studies, a large public thoroughfare with lots of pedestrians. Like Wilshire, where I'm working right now, or Lake Avenue in Pasadena. You have to find a real crossroads where many different types come and go. A melting pot of ambulatory styles, if you will. You can tell so much about a person and the day they're having by the way they walk when they think no one is watching them.
   Here are some things I've noticed:

Small women usually walk in one of two ways. Either they draw in, clutching their bags to their chests, chin down, taking small steps and trying to be unobtrusive, or they pretend they're a foot taller than they actually are and try to take up more space and look other people in the eye.

Small men in office attire are uniformly combative, refusing to get out of the way for anyone and making people go around them. Small men who work with their hands for a living don't feel the need to prove anything to anyone so they just get where they need to go.

Big doofus-y guys – fat or not – seem very conscious of their bulk. They watch the way ahead of them and try to plan for others not realizing how big they actually are. Almost apologetic.
   The exception to this is big doofus-y teenaged boys, who really don't know how big they actually are and constantly get in the way. They'll grow into themselves.

Tall women walk fast. Don't know why, they just do. Really fast, sometimes. Dangerously fast. Give them a wide berth when they start swinging those monkey arms.

Pregnant women always get a lot of space from others on the sidewalk. Especially if they look like they're about to pop. Just a safety deal, I think.

Old men seem to move through crowds like ninjas, finding just the right space at just the right time. Probably their years of walking experience.

Old couples holding hands walk slowly, but no one seems to mind.

Angry people make eye contact then look away quickly. Sad people don't make eye contact, they look past you. Happy people smile and acknowledge you. Distracted people weave from side to side as they go. Crazy people have crazy eyes and you should avoid them at all costs. If you don't know what crazy eyes are, I can't explain it to you.

Douchebag dudes – sunglasses backwards on their heads, gold chains on their necks or wrists, bowling shirts, that kind of thing – don't usually abandon their Jeep Wranglers to walk anywhere, but when they do they walk right out of their flip-flops. Which is funny because well-traveled sidewalks are not made for bare feet. That's what you get for being a jerkoff, jerkoff.

Teen girls walk in packs. But not well-organized, cohesive packs like wolves, more like packs of hamsters. Chittering, giggling, stumbling hamsters who get where they're going by chance, not by design. With 'Hello Kitty' backpacks they're too old to be wearing, but they wear anyway because they think it's cute. And texting the other girls in the group because actually talking is just soooo 20th Century.

Adult men always watch where they're going and try to stay out of each other's way. It's a guy thing, a combat challenge deal, a mutually-agreed-upon convention that if you stay out of my way and I stay out of yours then we have no problem with each other and we can go about our business. You ever see how boys fight? It starts with one blocking the other in, asserting control and dominance. That never ends well.
   Women don't know this convention, or they don't understand it. This is why women always, always, always, always go the wrong way on the sidewalk and end up right in front of some huge dude who glares down at them until they get out of the way. Learn the convention ladies, it'll save you wondering why people on the street are so angry.