Cojones Grandes

Man, I've seen some daring people before, but just now I witnessed a lady who takes the cake. And eats it. And then takes your cake and eats that too.
   I went to get gasoline in the truck, and decided that I would run it through the 'Touchless' car wash to knock the Los Angeles off of it. I wiped it down afterwards and then went inside to get my lottery tickets. You can't win if you don't play.
   A lady came in behind me and handed over a receipt. She asked the clerks for a refund on the car wash, since it 'wasn't valid' and there were too many people in line right now and she couldn't use it anyway. Could she please have her money back. No big deal and none of my business.
   Until I walked out the door.
   A little econo-box was sitting right outside the doors, and it was still dripping wet from the car wash.
   What are the odds...? I thought. So I waited. Got in my truck and watched the door. And, sure enough, the lady who wanted a refund on her car wash because she couldn't use it got into the freshly-washed car and drove away.
   Astonishing. Just... remarkable. Not only to lie like that to get a free car wash, but to park your still-wet-from-the-wash car right outside the door when you do it? That takes some nerve. Completely reprehensible and wrong, but you gotta admit that takes major chutzpah to even think about doing, let alone carry out successfully. That's like... Captain Kirk ballsy.
   When I grow up I want to be like that lady. Only honest.

Wafflicious

Have you ever heard the expression 'I got a hammer, and now everything looks like a nail?'
   Well, for Christmas I got a waffle iron and now everything looks like it should be round and dotted with square holes.
   I know that I'm difficult to buy gifts for. But I was still taken by surprise when I unwrapped a waffle iron on Christmas Day. I didn't quite know what to think, which means it was a good gift indeed. I got it home, plugged it in, and whipped up a batch of batter as outlined in the owner's manual. I wasn't sure how it was all going to work out, if the batter was going to be too thick or too thin, if the waffle iron's non-stick coating really was, or if the waffles would actually be tasty. The first one came out a little lopsided, but it was crisp and brown and oh-so-delicious.
   I gotta say, I likes me some waffles.
   After the success of the first batch, I went out and sprung for some authentic maple syrup (it's pricey) and got ready to try out all of the waffle recipes. Cornbread waffles tonight.
   Now I'm thinking of ways to combine waffles with other things. Maybe waffles instead of hog dog buns, waffles on a stick, waffles instead of tortillas, waffles as the shell for beef wellington, waffles layered inside a lasagna. Okay, maybe not that last one, but I am thinking about waffles a lot.
   I really, really need a job.

I Thought Halloween Was Over

I went to deposit my unemployment check yesterday, which you have to do the old-fashioned way by going into the bank. No direct deposit with the EDD.
   This is a trip I make on foot, another excuse to get out and see my neighborhood, enjoy the semi-clean SoCal air and refamiliarize myself with what sunlight is. Usually it's a pleasant half hour. Usually.
   So as I was walking back yesterday, down Green St., I heard crows squawking overhead. Now, for my Texas friends familiar with grackles, crows are not them. Grackles are small, kind of brown-black birds that generally speaking behave themselves and know their place in the man-bird hierarchy. Crows are big, jet black, and think they're better than you. They lumber along the sidewalk, only grudgingly getting out of the way at the last minute.
   They're also loud. They were overhead in these berry-dropping trees that line Green St., about three or four of them, having a regular conversation amongst themselves. So far nothing out of the ordinary.
   I made it to the next block, and the crows were still loud as ever. I couldn't see them up in the trees but I could absolutely hear them. Were they following me?
   I reached the next block, no more berry-dropping trees, and I saw the crows at last. Four of them, two Heckles and two Jeckles, squawking at each other, and probably at me. But I thought they couldn't possibly be following me. What do I have that crows could want?
   But they were following me. I turned down Oak Knoll, and two of them plopped on the ground in front of me. They ambled along, talking to their buddies in the trees as I got more and more creeped out.
   When I got to the Lutheran Church they disappeared. And I thought I was home free. But when I rounded the corner, they were back, moving from tree to tree and making enough noise to raise the dead. I imagine. I walked quicker, trying to make it home before whatever the crows were planning came about.

Was I reading too much into it? Possibly. Was I being a bit of a sissy? Perhaps. Was I giving crows too much credit? Not at all. Let a bunch of cawing crows follow you for four blocks, disappearing only when you pass a church, and see how crazy you get. Creepy.

Seven Steps to World Domination

While I have the opportunity for self-examination I've been thinking of new and different careers. I've been applying for jobs, but that's kind of the problem, they're just jobs, something to make rent and keep me off the street during working hours. But I didn't really have an answer to the question 'what is my passion?' After some consideration, and long, embarrassing conversations with myself, I realized that my passion had been staring me in the face, I just refused to acknowledge it.
   I took one of those career tests and the answer came up 'evil genius.' That's right, I'm suited for a life pursuing world domination, a la Lex Luthor or Auric Goldfinger.

So just what does it take to be an evil genuis? I thought it over and came up with a seven-item checklist:
   1. Not just smart, but scary smart. They know all the capitals of all the states, and they can recite them backwards in reverse alphabetical order.
   2. Hired goons. An evil genius never soils his hands when there are people who do that for a living. Besides, stupid hired goons make a smart man seem even smarter by comparison.
   3. Unlimited funds. You never see an evil genius counting pennies or searching pay phones for change. When you need a weather control module or a tachyon converter, you can't go budget.
   4. A scarred past. Evil geniuses did not grow up with loving parents and cuddly pets. They were beaten by their carny father and sold to Gypsies by their mother.
   5. A physical oddity. Nothing like a hunchback or no legs, that would make them more tragic than evil. Baldness seems like a common evil genius trait, and a scar of some sort, or maybe a cybernetic part, like a hand or an eye or something.
   6. Cheating death. Any evil genius worth his salt has seemingly fallen to his death, been exploded in the secret base, or been devoured by his own tank of starving piranhas time after time after time. If there's no inescapable death to escape from, how smart an evil genius are you?
   7. A pure and noble enemy. An evil genius is only as evil as his enemy is good. If there's no one to contend against, what's the point of being an evil genius?

Thus far I'm 0 for 7. I have some work to do.