Super-Dog

I was dog-sitting this afternoon, about 40 miles North of Pasadena, when I became witness to an incredible phenomenon. It's common enough, but this is the first time I've seen it in person.
   I was watching TV, with the dogs laying on the floor in the living room, when one of them grumbled, then she sat up and barked loudly. This dog almost never barks, at least not when I've been dog-sitting. She whined to get out, and when she was in the back yard she barked some more and then looked in every direction, like there was something to see that she was missing.
   My first thought was 'earthquake' but I didn't feel anything, and nothing in the house was moving or swaying.
   Fast forward to a few hours later, when I made it back to my place. I turned on the news, and I found out there had been a huge earthquake in Mexico, 7.2 (this is really big). Guess when that earthquake rumbled? 3:40 PM, right when the doggies started barking.
   Amazing. Incredible. The coolest thing I've seen in a long time, and I didn't even know what was going on at the time. The dogs heard/felt/sensed the earthquake hundreds of miles away, and knew enough to realize that it was something they needed to tell me about. Just... astonishing. Like you needed another reason to love dogs.

Don't Answer That

I was in the convenience store the other day buying lotto tickets, when the lady behind me asked the clerk for a Swisher Sweet, 'grape flavor.'
   Just when I think I'm all smart and know lots of stuff, random crap will happen to make me realize I know absolutely nothing.
   I had no idea that Swisher Sweets - the cigar of choice for potheads the world over - came in flavored varieties. If you go to their web site (make sure you say you're over 18) and take a look you can see that not only do they have grape, they have peach, strawberry, menthol, tequila, and chocolate-flavored cigars too. I got to wondering just how bad grape-flavored nicotine would taste, and then I realized that I didn't really want an answer to that question. Some things are better left alone.

Here are some other questions I don't really need an answer to:

What are McNuggets, really?
   How many people have handled the twenties in my pocket?
When transvestites get all dolled up what do they with... you know... Mr. Johnson?
   What does a bruise look like under the skin?
Where does Kool-Aid powder come from?
   How many babies does it take to get a pint of baby oil?
What does it feel like when a hyena breaks your leg in its jaws?
   What does bubonic plague smell like?

I'm sure there are tons more things I'd rather stay ignorant of. I'll share more when I figure them out.

Boxing Tigers

How come you never see boxing tigers?
   I saw an old video - used to be 8mm film - of cats boxing. I don't know the context, but it was clearly a pre-PETA thing, where some guy in a dark suit had built a cat-sized boxing ring and then put gloves on two cats. He'd pick them up by scruff of their necks and they'd flail at each other with their boxing gloves until he set them down again.
   It was terrible, and not just because it was cruel, but because it wasn't funny. It was clearly supposed to be funny - cats with boxing gloves, hilarious! - and the guy in the suit certainly had a good time picking up the cats, but it didn't deliver the goods.
   As a matter of fact, back in the 30's, 40's, 50's, when we saw the world in black-and-white newsreels or kinescopes of old TV shows, they'd put boxing gloves on just about any animal. Kangaroos, orangutans, little monkeys, ostriches, otters, I remember seeing all of these at one time or another. Clearly intended to be funny, but not really funny at all.
   Ah... but tigers with boxing gloves, now we're talking something entirely different. Why would this be funny when the others aren't? Because somebody has to go put the gloves on the tiger. See, it's easy to force gloves onto cat's paws, or onto a compliant orangutan's hands, but tigers aren't really down with the sweet science, and they certainly don't like people screwing around with their feet. And, assuming someone actually does get boxing gloves onto a tiger's front paws, chances are good the gloves aren't going to last very long, seeing as how tigers have big ol' claws and fangs.
   I think we should have a reality show where we take people from other reality shows and have them try to put boxing gloves on tigers. I figure we take everybody from Survivor and see just how tough they really are, and the douchebags from Jon and Kate, and all of the Kardashians. I'll bet we'd have some pretty fat tigers after a while.

Idle Thoughts

Here are a few random thoughts I had recently, which occurred to me while I was doing other things. No, not in the bathroom, when I'm in there it's all business.
   These things are in no way connected with one another. Or are they...?

Why is it that UFOlogists on TV have crazy eyebrows? Why do they wear odd sunglasses? Why do they wear blazers that have never been within shouting distance of a drycleaner? You'd think someone on the fringe like they are would want to pay more attention to dress and grooming, to be taken more seriously.

What color would flamingos be if they only ate broccoli?

Is there such a thing as 'Professional Tiger Week?' Because I had a dream that there was, and sometimes my dreams come true.

How embarrassed would you be if someone came up to you and offered you money because they thought you were homeless, only you weren't and you had to tell them you didn't need or want their charity? Do you think you'd go right home and do laundry? Maybe shave and get a haircut?