From Me To You

I used to spend a lot of time at my grandfather's house. Not as a celebrated guest, as manual labor. I spent my formative years mowing, weeding, chopping, edging, sweeping, raking, tilling, picking, and once nearly cutting off my toe with a chain saw. Good times, good times. As I sweated and cursed under my breath, from time to time my grandfather would dispense bits of grandfatherly advice. Some of his advice was of the 'don't take any wooden nickels' variety, but other bits I discovered, years later, were actually useful. For instance, his admonition to 'pay a little extra, get good shoes,' has proved true time and time again.
   So I thought it was time that I dispense my advice. These pearls of wisdom come from hard-won experience, and all of them will prove useful to you someday, though it may not seem so at first.

Oreos and orange juice. Don't do it. You might think 'hey, I like Oreos, and I like orange juice too, let's have them at the same time.' That would be a mistake. Trust me on this one.
    If that homeless guy looks like he might want to hug you, he probably will.
Corporations don't think it's funny when you point out inconsistencies in their policies, even if you think it's hilarious.
    If you're driving down a very narrow lane and both sides are lined with twenty-foot fences with razor wire across the top, you're in the wrong place.
Robot monkeys will never replace you in the work force. No matter how much you want it to happen.
    When the officer tells you to keep your hands where he can see them, he really means it.
An extra slice of pie is never a bad idea.
    You're almost never the smartest person in the room. But chances are good you are the most ethical.
Little kids are far, far more observant than you think they are. They're also sneakier and faster. But they're just as sticky as they look.
    The dialectic always wins out, your success shall become your failure. Plan for it.
If it looks too good to be true it's a multi-level marketing scheme.
    Half-assed but done really is better than well-planned but never started. Well-planned and well-executed is always best.
Drunk rednecks and boats always leads to tragedy. Same with drunk rednecks and guns. Or drunk rednecks and deep-frying a turkey.
    Transvestite prostitutes do not appreciate being called 'buddy.'

There you go, from me to you. I hope my wisdom gets you out of more trouble than it causes.