I Want My Rat Pack

A friend of mine once gave me a picture, a charcoal drawing from a photo of Frank Sinatra and his cronies around a pool table. Evidently the artist stuck Joey Bishop in there, even though he's not in the photo. It goes with another picture I got in Vegas of the crew outside the Sands marquee with their names plastered on it.
   Frank, Dean, Sammy, Peter, Joey. The Rat Pack. Everything that was wrong and right with early 1960's America wrapped up in five guys who put on shows.
   I want my own Rat Pack. I'd be Frank - of course - the Chairman of the Board. Frank was mobbed-up (allegedly), but the Mafia now is not what it was fifty years ago. I'd need something else, some other corrupt, pervasive influence to taint every accomplishment I'll ever have. Fox News. That's it. I'll get in tight with those guys, that's a stain that'll never come out.
   Then I need my trusty, arguably-more-talented sidekick like Deano. Needs to be a bit of a drunk, and something of a womanizer. Charlie Sheen. There you are. He's my Deano.
   I need a black guy too, like Sammy. There aren't nearly the barriers to black performers there were fifty years ago - no one turns a firehose on black folks having lunch - but I'd need someone equally willing to put himself out there for the betterment of us all. There can be only one. Flavor Flav.*
   And then I need my politically-connected guy, the man with his finger on the pulse of the ruling class, a la Peter Lawford. With just a moment of thought I came up with the perfect person. George Clooney.
   Now I need my Joey Bishop. My second banana. The guy who's going to laugh at all my jokes, even if they're not funny. Especially if they're not funny. Who else could I pick but Andy Richter?
   And there you have it. The 21st Century Rat Pack: Me, Charlie Sheen, Flavor Flav, George Clooney, and Andy Richter. When I'm not so busy I'll photoshop a group portrait and post it.
   Somebody get these guys on the phone, Vegas is waiting.


* did you know the Flavor went to cooking school? Me neither. It's weird to think of him with a legit job like a chef. Kind of illusion-shattering.