Eeek!

I like to think I'm a pretty progressive guy. I try to think before I speak, I give people a fair shake, I realize that if I have a problem with someone the real problem might be me not them, all that kind of stuff. My parents brought me up with the proper values. But there's one thing that still raises my hackles of prejudice.
   Tattoos.
   I don't mean one or two pieces of decoration, that's no big deal. My father had several tattoos from his time in the Coast Guard, so growing up I was plenty used to seeing them. I do get squeamish, however, when I see full-body tattoos. Just doesn't sit right with me, it feels like Americans co-opting something reserved for another culture. Plus, they're usually juvenile and gross.
   This morning, for instance, I was working out. Getting my sweat on. A tall dark-haired woman climbed onto the treadmill in front of me. She was slender, young, and bouncy in the best way. Gave me something to watch to make the day easier if you know what I mean.* Then she took off her zippered hoodie, revealing both arms covered shoulder-to-wrist in writhing, full-colored body art.
   Talk about destroying a fantasy. Before she took off her jacket I was watching Wonder Woman, and after I saw her arms all I could think was 'junkie.'
   Was that assumption wrong of me? Probably. For all I know she could be a multi-millionaire investment banker. Which might be how she could pay for all that ink, which definitely ain't cheap. But it's off-putting seeing that. Like she's in the Yakuza or something. Maybe it's just because I can't understand why an otherwise attractive young lady would want to 'improve' her look with barbed wire, flames, and skulls stuck permanently into her skin. Doesn't make any sense at all to me.
   For that matter, what's the deal with face and neck tattoos? That's the mark of a felon, prison tats, but douchebag hipsters are getting them now. It used to be illegal to tattoo above the neck or below the wrist, but not any longer, it seems. What kind of job can you get if you have tribal bands snaking out above your collar? Better be a self-employed tattoo artist. Seriously, what are people thinking?
   I may have shared this before, but if I were to get a tattoo, it would be a tattoo of a butt with a butt tattoo... on my butt. Like one of those 'infinite mirror' things. Or maybe I'd get eyes tattooed on my eyelids, so hyenas won't sneak up on me when I'm sleeping in the middle of the Serengeti.


* nice ass, if you hadn't figured it out already