As Seen On TV

I have a confession to make, and it's not easy for me. I hope you don't think less of me once I've revealed my terrible secret.
   I'm a huge fan of all things Billy Mays.
   I think it has to do with that part of my brain that loves boardwalk midways and crooked carnival games and circus sideshows. Whenever I hear his voice on TV it's like a dog hearing the electric can opener, I immediately pay attention. Yes, he does yell ALL THE TIME. Yes, he does use black shoe polish on his beard and hair. Yes, he overuses the 'thumbs-up' gesture as a substitute for sincerity. But, Lord help me, when my TV sounds the words "Hi, Billy Mays here..." my day gets just a little bit brighter.
   Mind you, I have never once purchased any Mighty Putty, or the Hercules Hook, or the Awesome Auger, or Zorbees, or the Big City Slider Station, so as a pitchman he's not got the best average. I did buy OxiClean, though, a few years back, before I developed my immunity to Billy's grinning charms.
   I can't wait for Saturday and idle air time stations fill with infomercials. See you then, Billy.