Bad Week For The Discovery Channel

Say it ain't so, Joe!!
   Billy Mays died.
   It was barely a month ago that I confessed my fandom for all things Billy Mays, and now he's passed on. The Discovery Channel is going to have an open spot for a show - and blocks of reruns - now that Billy is gone to that great direct-marketing studio in the sky.
   This was also the week that the Gosselins - Jon and Kate - announced their divorce; if anyone was truly surprised by that I have a bridge between Manhattan and Brooklyn I'd like to sell you. This show was on TLC, which is part of the Discovery networks.
   I watched Jon and Kate and I watched Pitchmen. And now they're both going off the air. Coincidence? I think not. Seems like I might be the Typhoid Mary of reality TV. Which got me to thinking, especially since I'm unemployed and need to find a steady stream of income.
   So here's the deal, Discovery Channel and related networks. I'm going to become a huge fan of all your shows - every single one of them. I'm going to watch nothing but TLC, Discovery, Animal Planet, and the Science Channel all day every day. Tragedy of some sort is bound to befall your stars if I start watching the shows. Let me be clear, I'm not threatening anything, it just seems to be the way things go. More than likely that Bear Grylls fellow is going first, he's the one tempting fate the most recently.
   You can avoid this terrible doom, Discovery Channel and related networks, by paying me not to watch your shows. It's simple, if you want success, if you want to keep shows on the air and producing revenue, you have to make sure I don't watch them.
   Don't think of it as extortion, think of it as insurance.