Wouldn't It Be Cool?

I was talking to a friend of mine who said he'd always wanted to own a hawk. Or a falcon, some sort of bird of prey that you need a license and a certificate of financial responsibility to even think about getting (he'd checked out the process). Generally speaking I question the value of birds as pets - they're not cuddly and are instead nervous and flinchy and poopy - but if a parakeet is marginal then a falcon is just right out. You have to feed it meat and take it out so it can hunt other birds, and you have to blindfold the damn thing so it won't tear your eyes out, and you have to wear a huge thick leather glove... more trouble than a toddler, honestly. When I asked him why he thought he wanted one, he just said 'wouldn't it be cool?'
   Indeed.
   Which got me to thinking. What else would be cool to have or to do or to have done to you? Or at least what would I think would be cool?

   Steal a firetruck and see how far you could go before the cops took you down. Probably a felony, but people would get out of your way as long as you turned on the lights, so it's actually pretty safe.

   Chop down a redwood. With an axe. By yourself. That's man stuff right there.

   Play football on the moon. Think of how far you could throw the ball, even if you didn't have the perfect spiral.

   Figure out what makes Dick Cheney tick. He's such a miserable, unrepentant bastard that there's got to be some deep, deep neuroses there. Of course, there may be things mortal man was not meant to know...

   Commandeer one half-hour of local news and just stare into the camera the entire time. See how long you can go without blinking. Call it performance art or whatever you want, but think of the ratings you'd get and the YouTube hits as people tried to figure out what you were doing. It would be like Andy Warhol's 'Sleep' but only half an hour's worth. And not asleep.

   Ride a humpback whale as it breaches, and live to tell the tale. That's more man stuff.

   Wear a beard of bees. I see it on TV from time to time and it just looks fun. Really.

   Get a show on NPR. I don't know what I'd do, but I'd be in great company, and that's the important thing.

   Get the Queen of England to give you a massage. How many people could say they'd ever done that? Just no happy ending, though.

   Visit the Caves of Nuclear Fire. Tom Swift, Jr. did it and I want to follow in his footsteps.