Can't Help Myself

Hi, uh, is this the...
   We're all friends. Have a seat.
No, I'm just wondering if this is where the people who... uh...
   You're in the right place. It's safe here. You can say anything, no one will judge you.
Really? Because I got a problem. A big problem.
   We all do. The same problem. Go ahead, you know how this works.
Okay. Um... hi. My name is Don. And I read spam e-mail.
   Hi, Don.
I don't know how it started for you guys, but I go through my spam e-mail folders, just to make sure there's nothing in there I want to keep or there's anything that got in there by mistake.
   That's usually how it starts. A necessary activity taken a bit too far.
Yeah. So one day I decided to open one called 'I ned help.' I mean, seriously, 'ned' help? How could you not?
   Nigerian prince?
Even better, German royalty fallen on hard times. I had a laugh, deleted it and moved on with my day. But the next day...
   Two e-mails?
I always wanted to see what was in the Viagra e-mails. I always used to ignore them. But there are so many, and it seems like the spammers go to so much effort...
   Stockholm syndrome so soon? You really do need us.
Home loan refis, sell your gold, all kinds of pharmaceuticals, gas cards, photography schools, horoscopes... oh, God, I'm so ashamed...
   It's okay, really.
It's gotten out of hand. I opened one that said I'd won a $1000 Walmart gift card. I know it's fake, but the chance that I might get a thousand bucks, even at Walmart... I just couldn't resist.
   Like the lottery.
Hey, the lottery is REAL.
   Don't get all riled up. What made you decide to come today?
This is so embarrassing... I read a cruise line one. And then, right after that, an Olive Garden one. I used to work at the Olive Garden, I don't even like driving by one any more, but there I was, clicking on the email so see if I'd gotten dinner for two...
   There, there, it's okay.
I'm sorry for my family. What are they going to think of me when they find out? How am I going to make up for the anguish of being related to a spam e-mail reader? Maybe I could forward them a hot penny stock tip this guy e-mailed me about just this morning...