I Couldn't Do Any Worse

Now that the upfronts* are finished and the major networks have announced their fall schedules, we can see that Newton Minow was right and TV is indeed a vast wasteland. Still. It's pretty much the same shit, different year. Don't get me wrong, all I really care about is that Glee is back - for real - and that they haven't cancelled COPS. I love COPS. I want to be on COPS. Shirtless, of course. Possibly bleeding. And they need to chase me on foot.
   Anyhoo... as I was reading the list of shows I saw cop shows, procedurals (think CSI, Law and Order, NCIS), lots of reality shows, lots and lots of supernatural shows most of which are also cop shows or procedurals. It's like the network execs of all the networks got to use the same five flashcards to try to create a show. 'You got card 2 and card 4. That's 'cop show' and 'talks to dead people.'' It's getting really, really thin creatively out there.
   Which got me thinkin'. Seeing as how the networks aren't really trying at all, I could put a minimum of effort into it and come up with much better shows. But I can't be totally off-the-wall creative about it, that would give me an unfair advantage. TV is bound by advertising dollars, after all, they have to pander while pretending not to. So I limited myself to the following premises: misfits, cops, supernatural, exotic places, wacky singles, boring married couples, procedurals, 1960's, singing, alternate universes. Here goes:

Faerie Dust A narcotics detective comes across evidence that the worst new drug on the street doesn't come from some chemist's lab, it's coming from The Otherworld. (S)He combats the prejudices of the entire police department while trying to prove those suspicions correct. (cops, procedural, supernatural)

Ebony and Ivory A pair mismatched, good-for-nothing small time con-men go on the run for their lives in the Rat Pack's Vegas. They discover a talent for singing and performing and decide to live life hiding in plain sight as headlining Vegas performers. (misfits, wacky singles, singing, 1960's)

Goon Squad Unknown to most of the rest of us, there are police officers whose job is to respond to the problems of demons, vampires, ghouls, and werewolves living among us as regular citizens. When the Munsters and Addams Family can't get along as neighbors, they call the Good Squad. (COPS, supernatural, procedural)

Criss Cross A staid married man has an accident and discovers that he can switch places with himself in another universe. On the other side he leads a crazy, dangerous, thrill-a-minute existence as a high-tech spy/assassin. He thinks he's keeping a secret until he sees his wife - his real wife - on the other side as well, living out her fantasies in her own double's life. But what's happening back in their real lives while they're in this one? (boring married couples, alternate universes, exotic places)

See? About ten minutes worth of typing and I have log lines that are just as awful as actual shows that have taken years to develop into the steaming piles of TV they are. Come on, somebody give me a challenge, I dare you.



* that's a term of art for the TV industry, when smarmy ad men try to buy the cheapest ad time they can from greedy TV execs. It's a love-fest.