I Feel Fine...

It's the end of the world as we know it. Evidently. Tomorrow, the 21st of May, 2011, is the last day on Earth for some faithful, while the rest of us will have to endure months of disasters and agony before the real end in October. Or Rocktober as I've been insisting people call it for years now. For some reason people have latched onto this 'last days' scenario and the media has gotten in on the act, giving far too much consideration and air time to crackpots who would otherwise be roundly ignored.
   So what are the crackpots going to do on Sunday?
   I mean, if these poor, misguided souls turn out to be right and they are assumed into Heaven, then I guess the rest of us have some thinkin' to do. But let's assume those who insist they'll be taken up to eat pork ribs with Jesus do what we all know they're going to and stay right where they are. What then?
   I'm pretty sure they haven't planned for anything on the 22nd - why would they? - so how are they going to face all the people they've been taunting for weeks now. Like, say, the paperboy (are there still paperboys?), who is going to want to finally be paid. Or the guy at the gas station who sells them Lotto tickets. Or their pastor, who led them to this conclusion. Or the media who absolutely must close the loop on this and take these people to task for not being raptured when they said they would.
   What exactly do you say when your apocalyptic predictions don't pan out?
   'Sorry' doesn't seem to cut it, and doing something stupid like those Heaven's Gate weirdos* is far too extreme. There has to be something halfway between a mumbled apology and mass suicide for these people to try to redeem themselves.
   I'm thinking they need to cook us all a nice apology ham. That would go a long way towards easing any hard feelings I might have regarding their smug, misguided superiority. I could go for some brownies too, I like 'em more cakey than fudgy. My truck could use a wash, I'd settle for that. But when Sunday rolls around and these people are still here with the rest of us unwashed heathens we can't let them skate by doing nothing, because they'll just start up all over again next time. Wither them with sarcasm and stern judgement so they'll think twice when they hear someone give an exact date for the end of the world. Losers.


* true story, the crazy leader of that cult graduated from my college alma mater. I waited to see if he would be in the 'deaths' section of the alumni magazine but he never made it.