Tales Of The Unexpected

On this Halloween night, I thought I'd regale you with tales of the macabre and loathsome, things so horrible that the mere mention of them is enough to turn your hair white and make you run from the room. But not before the two drink minimum. Ladies and gentlemen, children of all ages, I give you...
   PUNCHLINES TO TERRIBLE JOKES!!!!!! BWAH-HA-HA-HA-HA!!!!

   Those brave few of you who have dared to read further are made of stern stuff indeed. Imagine if you will a baggy-pants Catskills comedian, a man barely alive, telling jokes in the main dining room in exchange for room and board for the summer and the slightest chance to get lucky with one of the lady lifeguards. Horrible, stomach-churning terror indeed, my friends. These are zombie punchlines, the walking dead of jokes, bits of funny that should have been buried in hallowed ground decades ago. Read them at your own risk.

I was talking to the duck.
    She really sits around the house.
Rectum? Damn near killed 'em.
   That's no lady, that's my wife.
Help me find my keys and we can drive out.
   You think I asked for a 12-inch pianist?
Every morning Dad knocks on the bathroom door and says 'God, are you still in there?'
   Those aren't pillows!/ That's okay, that's not my hand.
Sanka
   The taste.
When your hand falls asleep.
    Okay, you're ugly too.
Why, Father O'Malley, it's not Tuesday.
   Look, I'm 98 years old, I'll take the soup...
He wonders if there really is a dog.
   A zebra who owes money.
If it had four doors, it'd be a sedan.
   And the bartender says 'why the long face?'

Thank you, thank you! I'll be here all week! Enjoy the veal!