At L'Hotel Pretentieux

'Allo, monsieur, I am Thierry. Welcome to L'Hotel Pretentiuex. May I provide you Spanish almonds while Manuel retrieves your bags?
   Actually, all I have is this carry-on.
Oh... but of course. Manuel will just have to pretend to be valuable for another hour. Usually patrons of the Pretentieux have more... extensive baggage needs.
   Not me, Just here for one night.
Certainly, sir. But that will hardly give you time to enjoy our wide array of amenities. Would you like a seat at our tapas bar? The menu is almost certainly affordable for a man with your wardrobe.
   No thanks. Just a room key.
Perhaps a guided tour of our climate-controlled wine cellar? It was once used to hide partisans from socialist forces.
   Really? Partisans? In Los Angeles?
The Pretentieux had an entire Burgundian cellar dismantled boulder by boulder and brought to the United States to be painstakingly rebuilt exactly as it was.
   Nifty. I just want to hit the sack.
Ah, sack. Perhaps you would like a visit to our club room. It was once the pride of the duke of a certain demesne in Italia. The Pretentieux had it...
   ... dismantled plank by plank and reconstructed.
Precisely, sir. Down to the last bit of wainscoting and the buttons on the leather chairs. We serve the finest port in crystal snifters.
   I've been on a plane all day, I just want to lay down.
I believe you mean lie down, sir. Lay is transitive while lie is intransitive.
   Thanks.
We have a wine lounge, which we complement with only the finest artisanal cheeses, or certified organic vegetarian fare if that's your preference.
   I'm a meat-eater.
Of course you are.
   Please. A room.
Certainly. We have a dizzying array of choices in accomodation...
   The cheapest one you have with a TV and an alarm clock!
We frown on raised voices at The Pretentieux, sir.
   Son of a... I came all the way from San Antonio for this...
San Antonio? Really? I'm from Austin.
   I thought your name was Thierry.
It is. My parents are kind of hippies.
   How about that room? A quiet one, away from people.
Right on, man. You wouldn't believe some of the posers we get in this place.