Mothers Of Invention

I've been trying to figure out how to make a million dollars. Crazy as it sounds, all you really need to live comfortably is about $1,000,000, from that you can live off the interest alone, if you assume a modest interest rate and you don't go crazy buying fur-lined sinks or electric dog polishers. You could live even better if you had $2 million or $3 million, but I don't want to get greedy.
   So, aside from winning the lottery or selling a novel or a kids' book, there has to be some way to make a million bucks. I considered – briefly – a career in bank robbing, but I don't look good in a ski mask or in prison orange. Assuming I got away with it, I couldn't just go deposit a million bucks in an American bank, there would be questions. I'd have to go on the run to some third-world country I probably wouldn't like very much. Criminal enterprises are right out, gotta keep it on the up-and-up.
   I thought about a bake sale, if I could make and sell 1 million cookies for $1 profit each, I'd be on my way. My oven is kind of small, though. And I think I'd get bored after about 500,000 cookies and lose interest.
   I thought about door-to-door soliciting, but encyclopedias are online these days, and most places don't want you snooping around bothering people who aren't going to buy your stuff anyway. And I don't like shotguns pointed at me by angry homeowners. I thought some more.
   When I was an undergrad I lived a block away from the plasma donation building where all the Drag Worms would get money for their bottles of breakfast. They'd go in mostly sober and come out 45 minutes later with $9 in their grubby fists. I could hook myself up to an IV, I suppose, but I don't think I have enough blood in my body to add up to a million dollars. I was fast running out of ideas
   Then it hit me. What do people these days need more than anything else? Tattoo removal. Something that seemed like a good idea when you were a drunk 20-something becomes a bit of a regret in your 30s and downright embarrassing in your 40s. And tattoo removal can be very, very expensive indeed, so I wouldn't have to do too many of them to make my dough.
   But over time the market for tattoo removal runs out. Some people actually like their ink, after all, and wouldn't get rid of it for anything; eventually you'd run out of people who need your removal services. And then I had my eureka moment. You gotta get 'em coming and going. So here's the plan: I open a chain of tattoo parlors, and then right next door open a chain of tattoo removal parlors. And then next to that open a chain of liquor stores, so you can get some Irish courage no matter if you're inking up or inking down.
   See? That's what a liberal arts education gets you right there. Clear thinking.