Resistance Is Futile

I'm being assimilated by California.
   Slowly but surely it's happening, like rust creeping up an unused swingset, this place is taking me over. At first it was small things: really reading the LA Weekly instead of just laughing at the medical marijuana ads, prefixing all highways with 'the' when I was talking about them - 'the' Five, 'the' 134, buying sunglasses to keep in the car, knowing the schedule of the really good taco trucks. You know, things you do to get along, unconscious habits you develop.
   Then it started getting more serious. I knew it was getting bad when I accidentally bought tofu hot dogs... and didn't return them. I ate them. On hot dog buns. Like they were real.
   Then it progressed. I started researching fault lines near my house. Instead of being amazed and intrigued when I saw a movie being made I grumbled at the interruption to my routine. I stopped being offended by oblivious jerks talking on their cell phones in the gym. Tiny dogs in purses became just another fashion statement.
   But here's the worst: I bought a hemp shopping bag. From Whole Foods.
   Seriously, I can't become a bigger douchebag, can I? A reusable hemp shopping bag from Whole Foods. I might as well just abandon all pretense, dye my hair and start wearing my sunglasses backwards on my head.
   I think I'll take my cell phone to the gym, there are some people I need to call...