The Hoff

I cannot believe I have let so much time go by - months, for God's sake - without paying tribute to the greatest actor/singer/sidekick to a talking car/entrepreneur of this or any century. I am speaking, of course, of David Hasselhoff.
   "But Don," you might say, "he's no Billy Mays." And indeed he isn't. But Billy, rest his soul, was no David Hasselhoff. Tall, dark, and almost handsome enough to turn a straight man gay, David Hasselhoff has, if nothing else, proved the American dream. If you work hard enough and fight long enough, you too can earn the right to ogle chicks in bikinis and call it 'Executive Producing.'

Mr. Hasselhoff's Opus:
   The Young and the Restless - David appeared as Dr. Snapper Foster, in the mid 70's. He was stuck in soap opera hell (though it is a hell with regular paychecks for an actor) until 1982. That was when young Mr. Hasselhoff had his brush with destiny in the form of a black TransAm.
   Knight Rider - forget the silly secret-agency premise, if you boil this show down to its Aristotelian essence, it's cool. In order to fight crime, a guy gets a super-car that talks. It doesn't get cooler than that. Oh, wait a minute, it does get cooler. Much cooler. Read on.
   Baywatch - when I was sixteen, I could not have imagined a better premise on which to base a show. David Hasselhoff, as Mitch the lifeguard, leads a group of scantily-clad, large-breasted women in flotation exercises. It's great, and you only have to learn one plot:
   First Act - beach walking and girl-watching. Maybe some minor personal development.
Second Act - some kind of emergency which requires lady lifeguards to get wet. And it's usually cold.
   Third Act - this is the make-a-sandwich portion of the show. There's usually some kind of minor plot/personal crisis for the featured actor of the week to deal with. Minimal bikini time.
   Fourth Act - more bikini time, and another crisis resolution.
    America's Got Talent - yeah, it pretty much doesn't, and this show proves it. The Hoff is a great cheerleader, and he actually does know what he's doing. He was executive producer of Baywatch, remember.
   Greeting Cards - The Hoff has a line of greeting cards now. I know this because I bought one at Target a while back. I just can't find a good link to them.
   Drunk Eating a Burger - evidently The Hoff has a bit of a problem with The Liquor. His daughter videotaped him drunk off his ass trying to eat a burger.

Interesting Hoff Facts:
   - Germans actually do love David Hasselhoff, it's not just an urban legend. He has a huge career in Germany as a recording star.
   - most of the Baywatch ladies have appeared nude in Playboy. There's some kind of odd symbiosis going on between Hef and Hoff. One notable and regrettable exception: Jasmine Bleeth has not appeared nude anywhere.
   - because of its worldwide distribution, what many foreigners think of America comes from Baywatch. I suppose it could be worse, they could think it's like 'Facts of Life.'
   - The Hoff tweets. You can follow him, if you like: 'A caffeinated Hoff is a happy Hoff'