Open Letters To My Neighbors

Dear Guy Who Sings In The Shower Next Door:
   While I appreciate your exuberance, I believe I speak for everyone in both our buildings when I say 'singing is not your career path.' I believe I also speak for everyone when I say 'shut the hell up, asswipe.' And shut the stupid window, too. For God's sake, if you really need attention that badly, go streaking.

Dear Seemingly-Angry Russian Couple Who Argue Constantly:
   You may think that nobody can understand what's going on because you're not speaking English, but trust me on this one, arguments between men and women are universal, and even if I don't know the words, I understand perfectly. Get a job, Sergei, and Olga, stop nagging him so much, he's embarrassed enough already.

Dear Guy Who Leaves His Front Door Open:
   Shut the Goddamned door. You live right next to the elevator, and I really don't want to see into your apartment every time I need to leave mine. And it wouldn't kill you to clean up once in a while either, I know your mother taught you better than that.

Dear Laundry Room Douchebag, You Know Who You Are:
   It's half an hour for the washing machine, a little over half an hour for the dryer. Come get your clothes on time, you're not the only person in the building who needs to do laundry. And if you think I don't know you're helping yourself to my detergent, you're mistaken.

Dear Indian Couple Who Cook Delicious-Smelling Food:
   I'm not always busy. You could invite me over for dinner once in a while. Just sayin'...