Shirtless Ambition

I want to be on COPS.
   I've been a fan the show for years now, watching the junkies, speeders, thieves, drunks, and liars who - inexplicably - sign the production release form to allow their shame to be broadcast on television. And I gotta say, it looks like fun. Substance abuse aside, it seems that the people on COPS always get a good workout, with their pulse racing either from a high-speed chase, a foot pursuit, or a good brawl. So I want in.
   Now I gotta figure out how to make my debut. I know the COPS crew goes out with officers for days at a time, and only the cream of the crop makes it on the show. Here's what I figure I need:

1. Sub-standard housing. COPS is never in Coral Gables or Beverly Hills, but they are regularly in West Pam Beach and Riverside.
2. A poorly-considered criminal plan. I'm thinking I need to heist 1,000 baby blankets from Wal-Mart, that's both funny and sadly desperate at the same time.
3. Lots of malt liquor. Most criminal enterprises run on alcohol, people wouldn't try this stuff if they weren't drunk.
4. Room to run. There's gotta be a chase, long enough that the camera guy can't keep up, so he arrives when the officers have me down in the dirt, knees in my back, roughly handcuffing me.
5. No shirt. The best encounters on COPS are with the shirtless.

It looks like I have my road map. Detailed enough to act on, but not thought out well enough to realize it's a bad idea. Perfect.
   The only problem I can see is tasers. Going shirtless leaves me particularly vulnerable to tasering, and I'm pretty sure I wouldn't like that. Oh well, it's the price of redneck fame.