Not Nearly As Good As I Remember

Things That Aren't Nearly as Good Now as I Remember Them Being at the Time:
   The movie Heavy Metal.
   Back in the late '70's there was a French magazine called 'Metal Hurlant' that quickly became the American magazine Heavy Metal. My friend Bob and I would devour every issue, the glorious artwork and sci-fi/fantasy themed stories perfect for our adolescent boy brains. We thought it would be the coolest thing ever to have a Heavy Metal movie, but that was just too crazy to imagine.
   When I was fourteen the movie hit the theaters. It was fantastic, the best movie I'd ever seen... like... ever. I'm serious as a heart attack. Quite possibly the greatest work of staggering genius since the dude who invented Robby the Robot. The movie was just like the magazine, only in animation. Cool. Rockin'. Bad ass. With tits. Big, animated tits.
   When I got an HDTV last year, I discovered channels full of HD programming, amazingly defined, incredibly real. And, as I clicked through the channels one day, there was Heavy Metal the movie in glorious High Def, remastered and waiting for the fourteen-year-old in me to enjoy it all over. I hadn't seen the movie, even a piece of it, since my Junior year in college.
   About five minutes in the adult in me wanted to turn the channel, but the fourteen-year-old I am inside stayed my hand. About fifteen minutes in the adult in me wanted to go do something else, like, say vacuum the carpets or clean the toilets. Or ritual scarification, anything not to watch this travesty of a film that could not possibly be the same one I used to love.
   After twenty minutes my eyes started to hurt and I could feel myself getting stupider. I had to put the remote in another room to remove the temptation to change the channel. It was terrible. Horrible. Absolutely unwatchable, but I watched it anyway, in mourning the entire time.
   If you carry fond memories of the movie Heavy Metal in your heart, do yourself a favor. Don't ever watch it again. Ever. It's much better as a hazy, adolescent recollection than it is on the screen.