Pretentious Coffee Jerks

Pretentious coffee jerks: Where have they gone?
    I don't drink coffee - never developed a taste for it - but that didn't stop me from going into Starbuck's from time to time, mostly with other people who also didn't drink coffee but who did drink NonFat Chai Tea, Double-Half-Caf Caramel Latte, Venti Mocha No Foam, or things like that.
    So just this morning I decided to go into a Starbuck's again after quite a while, and I was surprised by the lack of pretentious coffee jerks. You know the guy, sunglasses hooked around his ears backwards like he doesn't own a shirt pocket, Utne Reader tucked under one arm with his laptop, free-trade hurache sandals on his feet, and pants made of that marvelous, underrated fabric - hemp.
    I looked hard for him, swear to God, I even waited for the dude to come out of the bathroom, but he never showed up. Time was Starbuck's was crawling with these assholes, barking out their special order coffee-style beverages like they were Danny DeVito in "Get Shorty." But not now. They're gone, at least from the Starbucks closest to my house, disappeared like the carrier pigeon or competent corporate executives.
    Did the shrinking economy finally do them in? Did they finally wake up one day, look into a mirror, and realize they were parodies of themselves?
   My friends who know coffee prefer Peet's.